


Snap Shot

by mcrlove412



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anal Sex, M/M, Modeling, Nude Modeling, Nude Photos, Photography, Recorded Sex, Sex, Video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-15 03:23:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 33
Words: 31,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8040589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcrlove412/pseuds/mcrlove412
Summary: Frank went with his sister to work one day.While his sister was modeling he saw a young boy modeling too. When he asked his sister about him she said he didn't talk to people.Frank wants to make him talk.(tiny bit of a disclaimer, i wrote this like two-three years ago so its not my best, but i decided that out of all my old fics this one deserved to make it onto the archive :-) )





	1. Chapter 1

"Mom do I have to go with Jamia? Why can't I go with you and dad?" I asked not wanting to leave the house in the first place.

"Frank were going to a wedding and kids weren't invited." She told me fixing her makeup in the hallway mirror. "Just go with Jamia to work it won't kill you."

"But watching someone take pictures of her over and over again gets boringggggggg." I groaned.

"You are probably the only teenage boy who would turn down going to a modeling agency."

"One it's for Jamia and two it's no like anyone else is ever there to look at." I reasoned.

My mom shook her head and kissed me on the cheek. "Bye frank we'll be home later, and don't cause to much trouble for Jamia." She said

"wait does that mean-"

"yes, you're going to work with Jamia. Bye love you." She waved then shut door.

 

I felt like I was going to go blind from all the flashes of light. There was seriously only two weeks until school starts and I was watching people take pictures of my sister.

Im not going to lie Jamia's pretty. Basically drop dead gorgeous, and I love her but were seven years apart. I'm fifteen and she's twenty two so were just already different because of age and it's almost like I'm an only child.

She lives at home because she's still going to school for nursing but modeling is her life bedsides school. She models for almost everything but it's never trashy or slutty. Jamia has refused to do shoots for any amount of money naked or in skimpy clothes or bathing suits because she's says the pictures normally end up where they shouldn't be.

"Come on like this!" I heard someone yell breaking my thoughts.

I stood up and went to investigate. I saw another shoot going on with a mad photographer and by far the thinnest boy I had ever seen.

He was tall-ish with long black hair and dark eyes. He was shirtless in jeans with some logo behind him and the photographer was yelling at him to pose better.

The boy didn't say anything and just did what he was told. After a few more shots the photographer stopped and looked at the boy. "Come on Gerard, this brand is big just take a decent photo! Don't you care at all?!"

The boy, Gerard just shrugged

"people would kill to look like you and have your body. Just give me one good photo of you smiling hands in the jeans pockets and were done."

the boy shifted around and put his hands in the pockets and then smiled.

Damn.

I have never ever seen a smile like that. He was gorgeous, for a boy.

"Thank you gerard!" The photographer announced "alright ill see you tomorrow for another shoot." The man said.

Gerard left his spot and threw on a shirt laying on the ground. he looked my age and he was coming towards me so I decided to talk to him because hey if I'm here for Jamia I might as well make a friend.

"Hey Gerard right?" I asked.

"Who are you?"

"Well I'm frank, fifteen and my sister-"

"awesome." He said with no emotion before walking away towards the door.

"Hey Jamia?"

"huh?" She asked as we drove home.

"Do you know most of the other models?" I asked hopefully.

"Ugh yeah most why?" She responded.

"do you know Gerard?"

"How do you know Gerard?" She asked me.

" I saw him when I was walking around." I mumbled.

"Oh. Yea I know him. Poor kids anorexic." She sighed "but he doesn't normally talk at all to anyone. How'd you get his name?"

"I heard the photographer....how come he doesn't talk?"

"Your asking the wrong person. Everyone I know who's worked with him says he stays absolutely silent unless he has to talk for something important. Probably doesn't talk because he's messed up." she said

"messed up?"

"Frankie the kids got an eating disorder didn't you see him? His mind must be completely fucked. He's a good looking boy destroying his body from the inside out. He probably doesn't talk cause he doesn't want to people to find out about his problems even though they're obvious."

Jamia remained quiet for for a little while until she glanced at me and saw my confused face.

"Frank you really need glasses. They're obvious problems, the eating disorder and scars."

"Scars?!" I asked almost jumping.

"You can't see many anymore but he used to have a lot and oh god he did a bathing suit commercial once and had to a handstand like he was having fun at the beach and his suit slid up and his thighs were torn to shreds. Everyone saw but he acted like he didn't notice and just stayed silent like normal."

"Do-do you think he'd talk to me if I tried?"

"Only one way to find out." She smiled before hopping out of the car now that we were home."

I decided in the car right there that I was going to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Gerard's pov.

"Gee where are you going?" My brother called from the living room.

i ignored him and just continued tying my converse. I grabbed my jacket and began to reach for the door handle.

"Hey fuck face I said where are you going?" Mikey called out again.

"What's it to you?" I grumbled

"I fucking asked a question so I expect a fucking answer. Quit being a dipshit and tell me." He snarled.

"Why don't you stay out of my buisness and go fuck some poor girl again?"

"Excuse me?" He asked sounding pissed.

"Mikey your disgusting and know exactly what I'm talking about now let me fucking leave."

"Your just jealous I'm getting laid." He said.

"Yea sure fucking man whore." I whispered before going outside and beginning my walk to work ignoring Mikey yelling after me.

No one knows I model in my family. Not that anyone would care, well I mean mikey would care I was and not him but to bad.

I didn't exactky like my job. The days where I was modeling normal things like jeans or bathing suits stuff like that are fine, it's just the other days..

the days I model for things no one would want to see. Days when I model naked or with other people, for extra money I model for adult sites or for adult toys/outfits.

Luckily my perverted brother has never found any pictures of me on any of his porn sites. It's not like I'm all over, I'm like the person in the ads that always pop up but I believe the sites I model for normally require you to have a membership.

I only do it for the money. I hate asking my parents for money and of course I'd never ask mikey. I hate that motherfucker.

The only reason I like this job is no one from school would ever end up at the agency building. If I had a normal job somewhere in town and kids from school showed up it would be hell.

People always pick on me. More so to try and get me to talk. See I don't talk. Ever.

If I absolutely have to talk I will but other than that I'd rather not talk to anyone. I don't want to get close to people. Last time I did it blew up in my face.

Plus I'm one of the most popular kids in schools older brother so people try and talk to me just to get close to mikey. I hate it.

"Hey! Gerard!"

I turned and and saw that kid from a few days ago. What was his name? Frank? Yea that's it.

He's been annoying me ever since he first saw me and I hate it. Every time he sees me he tries to talk to me but I don't care. From what I know he's related to Jamia who's nice enough but he's probably just talking to me because to him I'm some model he can befriend to boost his ego.

"Gerard wait!" He yelled as I continued walking to my shoot.

"Gerard!"

"STOP TALKING TO ME!" I yelled turning around to face him.  
he jumped and his eyes were wide. Good maybe now he'll stay away.

I turned back around to continue walking when I heard his voice again.

"Why?"

I didn't have an answer. Or more so one I could give without words, so I left him standing there just like I have with every other person who's ever tried to enter my life.


	3. Chapter 3

Today was the last day before school started. I was determined to get Gerard to at least fucking have one conversation with me. I mean high school started for me tomorrow and then I'd never be here at the agency again to see him.

So far all he's said to me is 'fuck off' multiple times. He won't even give me a chance and I don't know why. He doesn't seem to have any friends I mean he's always alone.

As soon as I got to Jamia's shoot I ran off trying to find Gerard. After searching through all of the main shooting areas I was disappointed that he didn't seem to be there.

"No sit on him like this." I heard from him behind a door marked 'stage c pass only'

i didn't have a pass but I didn't care. I opened the door and oh my god.

there was shoot going on but not like any normal shoot. The photographer was shooting gerard and a man naked..on top of each other.

They were straddling each other and kissing. What the fuck. What the motherfucking fuck.

"shit who are you?" The photographer yelled noticing me.

Gerard and the other man froze and looked over towards the door.

"Fuck!" Gerard yelled shoving the other dude off him and grabbing a robe off the floor. He tied it before turning around and began walking towards me.

"You know him?" The photographer asked.

Gerard just shook his head and walked over to me shoving me out of the room.  
"What the hell are you doing?!" He hissed.

"No what the hell are you doing taking pictures like that!?" I shot back.

he shook his head and got really close to my face. "fucking leave. Stop trying to talk to me and become a part of my life and never bring this up. Bye frank." He said rudely.

"You remembered my name? And why should I stop talking to you?"

he shook his head again and turned around looking like he was about to head back into the room.

"Your gonna give me the silent treatment again? Why won't give me a chance, because right now it looks like you really need people in your life since your fucking selling your body to the public." I told him.

He flipped me off before going back into the room and locking the door.

I sat under the bleachers of the schools football field smoking weed. It was midnight but I didn't care. I wanted to get my mind off of what I saw.

I just wanted to make one god damn friend. I honestly didn't have very many. The ones I did have were going to different high schools so I was going in alone tomorrow.

halfway through my weed stash this boy and his friend came running under the bleachers laughing.  
i tired to run but they saw me before I could put everything away.

"hey is that weed?" The one asked. He was thin and had glasses. The other was tall and had huge hair.

"Uh maybe..uh why?" I asked

"dude don't freak out I'm just asking it's not like we don't smoke it."

"Uh ya it's weed."

"Awesome! Dude can take a hit off your blunt? I'm Mikey by the way. That's ray." the kid with glasses said.

i nodded and handed him the blunt as he sat down next to me and ray in front of me forming a triangle.  
"I'm frank."

" awesome how old are you?"

"I'm fifteen."

"Sweet so are we! So are you going to Belleville high too?" Ray asked.

I nodded

"so no offense but if schools tomorrow why are you out here smoking?" Ray asked

"Just trying to get my mind off someone."

"Ohhhh who's the girl." Mikey asked shoving me in the side a little.

"It's a guy.."

"dude you...you aren't gay are you?" Mikey asked giving me a look.

I knew I was bi but obviously Mikey wasn't a big believer on gay rights.

"No I'm not gay it's just this dude who pissed me off." I lied.

"Oh thank god. My brothers a fucking faggot I hate that kid. That's actually why me and ray ran down here we played a prank on him." He said laughing

"You and your brother don't get along?" I asked

"dude he's a fag, of course not. Plus he's always an ass to me and every time someone tries to talk to him he just pushes them away." Mikey sighed.  
"he's a useless older brother, he's even tired to off himself a few times."

I was shocked by how Mikey was talking about his brother. I mean the poor kid. His own brother hates him.

"So do you have any friends coming to Belleville?"  
ray asked

"no I'm the only one a lot of my friends went to the private high school."

"My brother tried to transfer there he's not exactly popular but my parents said no. Either way wanna hang out tomorrow? You can sit with me and ray at lunch."

I thought for a moment before nodding. "yeah that sounds awesome." I smiled.

Mikey and ray both smiled but then Mikey's phone began to ring. "There's that faggot ass now." He groaned.  
"me and ray gotta go but we'll see you tomorrow yeah?"

I nodded "yeah."


	4. Chapter 4

Gerard's pov

i woke up late thanks to Mikey being a shit head and unplugging my alarm clock as a 'joke'  
so I was late on the first day, wow great start to the year.

I wasn't very happy that Mikey was now in the high school wing of the school. he was already annoying enough in the middle school wing last year and he was on the other side of the school.

Now ill just see more of him and his fake ass friends. I was a good student but my teachers were used to me ditching already and they didn't care as long as I didn't complain about not understanding whenever I came back.

I went to to school and it was fifth period. I have lunch sixth so I went to class like normal. I was in science sitting In the back texting my photographer James. James does the adult shoots and is separate from the other photographers.

he told me he wanted me to swing by after school for a shoot by myself for a company that's paying to have me as an add for the company.

"mr. Way what's the answer?" The teacher asked noticing I wasn't paying attention.

I looked at the bored and the question on it.

"Longitudinal waves."

"Lucky guess way but please put your phone down."

I nodded at her and sat for the next five minutes until the bell rang for lunch. I always pack my lunch but I saw this morning Mikey took mine since he's too lazy to make his own.

I knew we had the same lunch so I was about to go get my lunch back before Mikey opened it. It was literally just two bottles of water and a bunch of pills.

Mikey doesn't need to see those or find out what some of them are for. Most are supplements since I don't eat for modeling and I hate my body but the other pills are for anxiety.

Yea weird right a model has anxiety? It's mainly because I hate my body but also because every time I do an adult shoot I worry that someone who knows me will see it and show Mikey which would turn into hell.

I walked into the lunch room looking for Mikey and found him sitting with his little followers. Those kids don't even know who they are, all they do is follow Mikey like drones.

Just as i was about to go and grab my lunch bag I saw him. Frank.  
what the fuck?! Now he goes to Belleville too?

great now I'm gonna have to avoid him all day too along with Mikey.  
It looks like they're friends like they've met each other before but when?

"What the fuck?" I heard Mikey say as he opened the paper bag filled with my pills.

"What's wrong?" Frank asked.

"My shit brother slept in so I took his lunch, look at this shit it's water and pills! What does he need pills for?"

Frank picked a bottle of pills and read the label. It looked like he knew what they were.  
"You know what they're for?" Mikey asked.

"Oh..uh no just looking." He said setting the bottle back down.

"So frank wanna come over after school?" Ray asked. "We're gonna pick up pizza and then head to Mikey's and chill. You in?"

Frank nodded. great how am I supposed to avoid him at home. I mean I'll be at the shoot today but what about after that if he's still there or some other day when I'm home too.

If he sees me he'll bring up the naked photos and that means Mikey will find out since he always snoops in my business, and if his friends know me he'll want to know how.

wow, this day just keeps getting better and better.


	5. Chapter 5

Gerard pov

"okay so basically for the ad it's going to be a gif you know what those are right?" James asked me like I was some teenager who'd never been on the internet.

I nodded.

"Okay so grab you junk in front of the camera and then blow a kiss and wink. Simple enough."

"Naked?" I asked quietly.

"What? Oh yea no just in boxers, the ads gonna basically tell people that to see underneath they have to join the site." He said screwing with something on his camera.

I stripped down to my boxers which were just black. I stood in front of the camera waiting for James to give me the signal to start.

He nodded and I but my lip and grabbed my junk looking at the camera trying to be seductive but then leaned in close blew a kiss and winked before walking away out of the cameras range.

"Okay perfect just do exactly what you did a few more times so I can send them to the company and then they can pick which one they want. They paid upfront this time though which is nice."

"How much?" I asked.

"Your pay is one fifty It's a small company but I told them we'd do the ad I mean a jobs a job right kid?" James said.

"Don't call me kid. Especially not when we're doing these." I told him.

"Oh shit yea I always forget that you're only seventeen, but damn your body sure doesn't seem like a seventeen year old, definitely looks older in certain departments." James said gesturing to my junk.

I just shrugged.

"Hey come on lighten up your always so serious. You don't even flirt with any of the dudes you shoot with no matter how hard they come onto you."

"I don't need a relationship." I said flatly.  
"can we just finish the shoot I have somewhere to be."

James just gave me a look but shrugged and said "alright go out there and grab your junk."

\----

"*coughing* hello?"

"Mikey?"

"What do you want man."he asked and I could hear his voice was scratchy and slurred even through the phone.

"Mikey are you really high right now?" I asked getting more agitated by the second. I wanted to go home but I didn't want to if frank was there. I've been walking around our neighborhood for an hour trying to kill time but I was bored.

I had run out of cigarretes and had no where to get a drink.

"I'm not high just a little stoned." He said laughing.

"Mikey who's at home with you."

"your boyfriend. he's sucking my cock right now." He said trying not to giggle that annoying pot giggle of his.

"Haha my sexuality is just hilarious isn't it you little fuck." I hissed.

"you need laid you faggot." He slurred. yea he definetley must've been drinking too.

"Mikey just tell me who's home." I questioned.

"Damn it's just me and ray you cocksucker."

I hung up not wanting to talk to him anymore and I wanted to go home and sleep.  
I walked the few blocks to my house and entered through the kitchen.

I threw all my shit on the ground and then went into the living room to snag a beer off mikey but almost shit myself when I saw more than him and ray.

"Mikey you said it was only you and ray!" I whisper yelled at him. "How hard is it to count you fucker."

"It is me and ray you queer." He laughed. "Franks been fucking knocked out since he got here."

"dude is he okay?" I asked worriedly.

"Why you want him to fuck you or something?" He asked being his normal dick self.

"mikey you can't get someone drugged up until they pass out and leave them like that! how fucking stupid are you?!"

"I don't need your gay advice fucker. Go upstairs and carve something pretty into your skin for me." He spat rudely.

"That is not fucking funny mikey!" I yelled "Do you really enjoy watching me bleed out that much!? God why don't I just hang myself in front of you so you can record it? you inconsiderate jerk!"

"You know what I didn't ask for you to be my brother gerard! I don't really give a shit what you do to your body. And why don't you stop yelling at me for getting high when your whole god damn lunch is fucking pills man! Now go upstairs and leave me and ray alone."

"You asshole. I hope your new little friend realizes what complete shitheads you are before he gets seriously hurt." I said seriously.

"What you gonna be his knight and shining armor and fuck him to make him feel better? like damn you really need to stop being such a freak. Bert seriously-"

"don't say his fucking name." I said as calmly as I could.

I looked around and frank was still laying down unconscious and ray was just staring at the wall in front of him not paying attention at all.

"Why can't i? Bert Bert Bert Bert Bert you little faggot!" Mikey yelled.

"Shut up!" I screamed. "shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

"Bert was right to fucking ditch you like that all you ever were was miserable."

"I was miserable because of him!" I argued.

"Go tell that to your razorblades." Mikey spat rolling his eyes.

My eyes were burning with tears. I didn't want to listen to mikey for another second so i ran downstairs to my room.  
I sat there crying with that one line repeating over and over in my mind

'go tell that to your razorblades'

id been clean for two months but I didn't care. I'd just have to not do any adult shoots for a while and then I'd be fine.

I dug through my drawers until I found my blades and ripped my jeans and boxers off. I began slashing at my skin repeatedly until my leg went numb and all I could see was red.

I didnt even care anymore. nothing matters. Nothing's mattered to me since Bert. My life is falling apart and no one can fix it.


	6. Chapter 6

Gerard's pov

i woke up the next morning with a stinging pain in my leg. I looked down and saw that from when i had moved in my sleep I had gotten blood everywhere.

i groaned to lazy to clean the sheets or my clothes because blood was a bitch to get out of things. I decided instantly that I wasn't going to school today because I felt like shit.

Mikey should already be getting ready to leave and mom and dad are already at work since they go in so early. I just have to wait a few more minutes for mikey to leave until I can go upstairs.

I examined my thigh while I was waiting. For a relapse it wasn't as bad as I thought. Don't get me wrong the cuts were all deep and now puffing up but normally it's a lot worse.

they bled a lot too but I don't feel very light headed or anything. I heard the door upstairs shut and knew mikey had left. I stood up, got a shower, got dressed and went upstairs.

I grabbed a bottle of water and all my pills and took my morning dosage. I then walked outside and continued walking until I ended up on Main Street.

Main Street is basically just a strip of stores in the middle of of our town. I walked for a while and stopped in one of the many convinence stores. The one I went into had the cheapest price for my favorite cigarettes. Marlboro reds.

I bought three packs and one of the shitty lighters on the counter since I forgot mine at home. I then went into another store. Gnc.

Gnc sells a bunch of supplements for weight loss and I needed more since they're all I eat. I bought more of the pills I normally took plus some stuff you mix into your water and drink.

It was noon by the time I finished buying everything I needed so I walked home ready to go to sleep for the rest of the day.

i walked in through the kitchen door on the side of the house and wanted to scream. there sat mikey ray and frank smoking weed.

I ran as fast as I could out of sight hoping frank didn't get enough time to see it was me. I locked my door and sat on my bed grabbing at my hair.

"Hey faggot was that you?" Mikey called down the stairs.

"You're supposed to be in school you little bitch!" I yelled at him.

"So should you!" He argued. "So no telling mom deal?" He asked his voice all scratchy from smoking.

"deal." I said just loud enough for him to hear me.

"Thanks you cocksucker." He said before waking away from door and probably back to the kitchen

Fuck him.

The next day I went into school because mom was off and wouldn't let me stay home without a good enough reason.

My my day was uneventful. All I did was think in every class.  
i don't really day dream I just think in general about stupid little things.

Mainly i I thought about how long until it would be until I went back to the studio for a shoot. I could model anything as long as whatever it was went past my knees and wasn't see through for normal modeling but it would be a while for the adult.

It kind of sucked not being able to do adult shoots because that's where the money was at. I get paid more to stand naked in front of a camera than I do to stand with some famous designers brand on.

the bell rang and I stood up to go to my next class but it was gym. No fucking way that was happening. I don't change in front of other people and especially not when my leg is all slashed up.

I wear multiple layers of clothes everyday so no one can tell how thin I really am and plus it keeps me warm. Not eating and starving yourself like I do with my anorexia makes you really fucking cold all the time. plus I just don't really like my body enough to change in front of others anyways.

i went to the bathroom and peed before making my way down under the bleachers of the football field.  
A few other kids were under there like normal but i didn't care. I went to my normal spot in the far corner away from everyone and took out my cigarettes.

By the time I was on my fifth one it was almost time to head back to class. I stood up and began walking not paying attention and ran straight into someone.

I looked up and of fucking course it was frank.  
"You!" He yelled pointing at me.  
"you go to school here too?!"

I tried to push past him but he stopped me. "I know your brother, why are you never home?"

"you don't know my brother." I spat and continued walking away but he followed me and continued talking.

"Yes I do your Mikey's brother." He said matter of factly.  
"I saw you run through the kitchen yesterday. I thought it was you because of the family photos. The kid in the pictures looked like you but they were all old."he said.

"Awesome."i replied flatly.

"Hey wait a minute I'm not done talking!" He yelled as I walked away again.  
"I wanted to ask you a question, how come you never home when I'm over, or you ignore us? I know Mikey's a dick but I wanted to talk to you about that day at the studio-"

"you don't ever tell Mikey about that." I said sharply cutting him off. "he doesn't know and he doesn't need to got it? Now bye frank."

 

"What happens if I do tell him?" Frank asked smugly.

I stared him down trying to get the message across. I wasn't in the mood for talking to him.

"I'll make you a deal." He said. "I'll keep my mouth shut if you talk to me."

"Were talking right now."

"You know what I mean. You never talk unless you have to so if you start talking to me I'll keep my mouth shut to mikey. Fair enough?"

"Why do you want to talk to me?" I asked.

"Cause." Was his answer.  
"So deal?" He asked smirking at me.

"Deal."


	7. Chapter 7

Gerard's pov

I had said goodbye to frank and then went back to class. Thankfully I was able to go through the rest of the day unnoticed and have a peaceful and quiet ending to my day.

I didnt even care if frank knew who I was anymore I was only worried about him telling mikey about my job. As soon as the final bell rang I went straight home and to my room.

Even if frank wanted to talk to me at my house Mikey wouldn't let him. if mikey knew frank wanted to talk to me he'd either blame me and say I was trying to fuck him or he'd stop talking to frank leaving him totally friendless.

I wasnt franks friend. I was only trying to protect my secret not become buddies. I was perfectly fine on my own.

I didnt need friends that would lead to lovers that would lead to pain. I'd already been through hell once before after getting close with someone and I wasn't going to let it happen to myself again.

Plus I don't care for talking to people in general and I'm almost positive you can't be friends without talking. I heard the door upstairs open and close and heard a few sets of footsteps enter the house signaling mikey frank and probably ray were now here.

At least mikey can't be to big of a dick today while moms around. Mom being off means no drugs which means mikey can't be a total dick to me because mom will kick his ass.

I was expecting a quiet night but I must've forgot to lock my door on the way down because the next thing I knew mikey frank and ray were standing in my room.

"Mikey what the fuck are you doing?" I asked raising an eyebrow at him.

"Shut up dick face."

"Sorry last time I checked this was my fucking room, and that means you don't have permission to be down here."

"God damn why are you always so bitchy? Ray brought weed and were gonna smoke it down here so mom doesn't know." He said

"your so fucking stupid."

"We put a towel under the door to stop the smell from leaving and you have a window and a fan down here so shut up cause were staying." He said

I glared at mikey before standing up and grabbing my phone laptop and laptop charger. I went into my bathroom attached to my room and locked the door.

"Don't touch anything or I'll tell mom." I said as I sat down on the door preparing myself for a shitty night.

"mikey why is your brother now locked in his bathroom?" I heard frank ask.

"Cause we don't want him out here?" Mikey said in a 'duh' tone.

"I feel bad though I mean there's enough weed-"

"he doesn't smoke weed. He's fine." Mikey said cutting him off.

"can't he sit out here at least? I feel bad I mean it's his room."

"Has my brother been flirting with you? Cause if that's why you want him out here-"

"mikey no he hasnt tried flirting with me at all I just feel bad."

It was silent for a few minutes before mikey spoke up. "Gerard get your ass out here."

i slowly walked out ignoring mikeys glare and franks little smile. Ray just sat looking around like he normally does.

After the first few bowls had been smoked the others were giggling at absolutely nothing while I sat there perfectly normal.

Weed wasn't my thing. It reminded me too much of him.  
cigarretes were okay and so was beer but no weed or cocaine ever.

"Let's play truth or dare!!!" Frank yelled childishly.

"Frank no fucking way." Mikey said groaning.

"Please!! And gerard and ray didn't say no!" He argued his eyes glazed over.

"Fine gerard truth or dare." Mikey asked me.

"Dare."

"I dare you to leave." He said flatly.

"Hey that's not a good dare" frank said sadly like he was disappointed that no one wanted to play the game.

"I would leave mikey, but sadly I can't because opening the door would let all your disgusting weed odor out for mom to smell." I told him.

He just rolled eyes "drama queen."

\--------------

Ray and frank had decided they were going to spend the night after they realized it was eleven o'clock by the time they finally came down from their highs after watching movies and eating piles of pizza.

"Me and ray are going to my room frank you can take the couch in the living room." Mikey said before running upstairs.

Frank turned around and looked at me. "they want me to sleep on the couch?" He asked unsure.

"They're shitty friends. You'll realize that soon enough." I told him.

"Isn't that a futon?" Frank said gesturing to the other side of the room.

"no."

"no what?" He asked.

"You are not sleeping down here." I told him seriously.

"Come on why not?" He groaned. "I don't want to sleep in your living room alone, plus we could talk! You did agree to the deal."

"The deal didn't require you sleeping in my room." I said.

"Please!?"

"No."

"Why not?" He groaned again.

"I sleep naked."

"So?"

"I snore."

"So...?"

"I talk in my sleep."

"So? Come on you can make up as many excuses as you want but I'm staying."

"God dammit frank, but your out of this room before mikey wakes up tomorrow or else shit will happen."

"Okay cool, let's talk." He smiled at me.

This was going to be a long night.


	8. Chapter 8

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked frank hoping to just get the questions over with.

"How old are you?"he asked

"seventeen almost eighteen."

"shit." He whispered to himself.

"What? Is there a problem with my age?" I asked.

"No,no it's just... you're only seventeen?" He said, his eyes wide.

"Why is that a such a shock to you?" I asked him kind of confused.

"How long have you been modeling then?" He questioned changing the subject.

"Since I was fourteen/fifteen-ish I'm not sure around that general age area."

"What?! You've been...doing those shoots since you were fourteen?!" He asked his eyes looking like they were going to pop out of his head.

"Oh god no! That's just when I started modeling, the other stuff didn't happen until this year...can we not talk about that now though? It's late and your still high." I said

"Are you always going to avoid that topic? I mean I just wanna figure it out" he told me.

"Figure what out? I'm not an interesting person frank, there's not any puzzle to solve about me. I don't even like talking for fucks sake, I'm only doing it so you don't blab to mikey." I said straight faced

" I mean figure out you in general. So far your life seems normal besides the fact that your brothers a dick to you and that doesn't seem like the answer I'm looking for." He said looking me up and down.

"What answer? What are you talking about?"

"My sister Jamia..she's a model too and she told me about you when I asked if she knew you at all."

"what did she say about me?" I asked, I mean what could she even have to say? I don't think I've ever said one word to Jamia yet she knows stuff about me?

"Like about your...problems.."

"Excuse me?" I asked raising an eyebrow

"like your eating disorder and scars and stuff." He said.

What? How could he- how could his sister possibly know anything about me? She doesn't hang out with me to see I don't eat or come close enough to me to see any scars I have. Where did she get this information and why is she spitting it all to frank?

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do gerard. Your lunch the other day when mikey took it was pills. I'm not stupid I've had my share of depression issues I know what anti-depressants are especially when they're something as common as Prozac." He said matter of factly.

"I don't have any eating or self harm problems like your sister says- what're you-" I said confused as frank stood up and grabbed my arm.

he pulled my multiple layers of sleeves up and flipped my arm over revealing many pink/silver marks.  
"What was that about not having any problems?" He asked

"You can leave." I said yanking my arm away and kicking him forward towards the door.

"The self harms obvious from those scars and I'm betting the many shirts are to make you look heavier am I right?"

" leave." I said seriously.

"I know I'm right. I just can't figure out what makes you do this to yourself. Like I said the only shitty thing I see about your life is Mikey and if you're letting him hurt you like this-"

"fucking leave." I hissed.

"No."

"Frank yout don't get to blackmail me into talking to keep something from my own brother and then try and pry into my personal life. It's none of your business. Why couldn't you have picked any other person to annoy."

"Oh I'm annoying for wanting to help you?"

"what fucking help are you talking about?! I don't need any help!" I yelled.

"Your fucking selling pictures of your body! That shows you need help!"

"How would you know? it's not your life! Maybe I like doing what I'm doing ever think about that?"

"Yea your arm really looks like you're enjoying life with all those scars." He responded rudely.

"You have five seconds to get out before I throw you out." I said as calmly as I could.

"What-"

"I want you out of this house now frank."

"Or what?" He asked smugly.

"Or I'll-I'll....I'll tell Mikey your gay."

"Why would you do that?"

"he fucking hate gays and he'll leave you. He's your only so called friend and if he hears you're gay the whole damn school will know and avoid you like the plague."

"Is that really the only threat you have? Telling the school I'm gay?"

"Just fucking leave okay!" I yelled getting angrier by the second

"no I'm not going to- ugh! fuck!" He screamed clutching his jaw. "why'd you punch me!?"

"Leave!"

"no!"

"Leave!" I screamed punching him again harder.

This time frank fell to the floor and Mikey came running downstairs at the sounds of frank screaming then falling to the floor creating a large bang.

"Gerard what the fuck are you doing to him!" He yelled at me.

"Leave leave please just leave." I whispered beginning to cry.

"Go to hell Gerard." mikey spat at me before helping frank upstairs leaving me alone.

Frank was right he didn't do anything wrong he was only trying to figure out what made me this way. I guess I was doing a good job of keeping him away from my life now but if frank pries deep enough he'll end up digging my secrets up.

My past was horrible and I really just want to keep him as far away from my thoughts as possible. Im trying so hard to forget him but my weight and scars are just constant reminders of him permanently etched into my body.

If it wasn't for him my life would be normal. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't hate myself so much.  
If it wasn't for Bert fucking McCracken I wouldn't want to die.


	9. Chapter 9

Gerard's pov

it had been three weeks since I'd talked to frank. I was avoiding him at all costs but mikey was doing a good job of keeping him away from me too.

Every time I even come near Mikey now he calls me something under his breath and hurts me at any chance he gets. Last week he 'accidentally' gave all my clothes to good will because 'he thought I'd like helping the poor'

now I have a total of two outfits and almost no layers, which is getting really hard to deal with. Moms pointed out that I looked thinner a few times, not anything bad just like a positive thing but Mikey's noticing I'm losing weight too. he had to set the table the other day and when he set my plate down he whispered in my ear that he knew I couldn't eat much but to 'at least try'

My eating has basically now stopped completely. I even stopped taking the pills. I can't cut anymore because I need money and have to start doing the adult shoots again. I have a shoot today and Im hoping it will be quick and well paying.

As soon as I got to the studio I explained that I wasn't doing any nude shoots and just something sexy with jeans on to James, but I didn't tell him it was because my thighs were cut open and only half healed.  
James was mad at me but eventually gave in. I was supposed to be doing a shoot with some other guy but he wasn't here and I was freaking out.

"Hey gee if that other dude doesn't show I'm not paying you for a shoot unless your naked." James said "I'm heading to the bathroom when I get back either be here or don't. It's up to you if want the money or not" he said

i had no way of finding another model in time and I was just about to leave when someone called my name.

"Gee?"

I turned around and saw frank standing in the door way.  
"Frank what the fuck are you doing here?!" I asked.

"I wanted to talk to you and apologize for kind of invading your privacy last time we talked with the scars and stuff...and I couldn't get to you with Mikey around so I figured you'd be here." he said walking over to me.

"frank I-"

"hey is this the other model?" James asked walking back in. Before I even answered he just smiled  
"great lets get the shoot rolling just start out staring at each other okay."

"Gerard what's going on?" Frank asked.

"He thinks your the other model I'm supposed to be shooting with."

"What!? I'm not doing that-"

"frank if he finds out your back here and not for the shoot he'll freak out that you'll tell the cops about his business."

"This is illegal?!" Frank hissed at me.

"It's child pornography dumbshit of course it is just please play along frank I can't lose this job. I need the money and I promise no nudity is going to happen today."

"but-"

"aright now kiss." James said

"Gerard I can't-" he started but I cut him off by doing what James said and kissing him.

Frank froze and I was praying he wouldn't freak out. He just stood there while I grabbed his face and kissed him filthily for the camera.

"beautiful!" James complimented.  
"okay gee take of your shirt then his."

I ripped mine off and franks eyes widened at my stomach I guess he forgot what it looked like, and just how fat it was.  
I grabbed the hem of his and he just shot me a 'don't do it' look.

I mouthed a sorry at him and pulled his shirt off. Franks body was gorgeous. I wish I had his body it was so perfect. He was muscular, had abs and he was pale but it was attractive not ghostly pale.

"Okay kiss his torso." James called out breaking me from my staring.

frank was just standing very still watching me. I got down on my knees and began kissing his stomach. I felt frank tense and heard his breathing hitch. I ignored it and kept going with what James was telling me.

"Alright Gerard you positive you want clothes left on?"James asked me.

I nodded and he sighed."alright let's get a shot of you unbuttoning his pants and looking up at him and then one more of you two kissing."

I went un-did the button on franks pants and looked up at him. I didn't undo the zipper even though James said to because I could tell frank was commando. Frank was blushing immensely but also looked...scared? worried?

"okay do the kiss and were done." James said.

I stood up and cupped his face pulling him in for one final kiss tongue and all for the picture. When I pulled away franks eyes were huge.

"Okay here's both of your cuts." James said handing me and frank each an envelope containing cash. "I'll see you next week gee and I hope to see more of your friend." He said before leaving.

I quickly ran and threw my shirt on then went to leave.  
"Gerard wait!" Frank yelled chasing after me.

"No." I said quickly turning around. "We're not talking about this. It never happened but I will say thank you for helping me out." I said gesturing towards the money envelope.  
"I'll still talk to you to keep your mouth shut to Mikey for the deal but not about this, not about today. Ever."

"But-"

"bye frank."


	10. Chapter 10

Franks pov

I laid on my bed not sure what to do. I didn't even go to school I was so confused. I told Jamia I was sick when she came to wake me up for school and she bought it even though I wasn't sick just panicking internally.

i mean...  
I kissed gerard.  
I got paid for kissing gerard.  
he unbuttoned my pants  
he looked like he was dying with his shirt off  
I may end up on a porn site  
I liked kissing gerard.

My mind was in complete shreds. gerard said we weren't going to talk about what happened ever but I need to know. I need to know if he felt what I felt when we kissed.

i mean he was being paid to kiss me but I felt it, I felt something as soon as his lips touched mine...I felt loved.  
I loved the feeling of kissing him even though it was dirty and in front of a camera. I still felt loved, and I've never felt that before when I've kissed other people.

I was worried that gerard would keep to his word and never bring up the shoot again because I really did want to talk to him about it.

I grabbed the envelope I had been given last night from the photographer and opened it. I began counting all the money and ended up with a total of five hundred seventy five dollars.

holy shit. That's a lot of money for some shirtless pictures, gerard must get paid a lot when he's naked. I felt bad that he was doing it to himself though, just putting his body on display for old perverts and horny teenage boys.

I knew I was going to regret it but I grabbed my laptop and began searching.  
'tall thin black haired gay twink'

I felt creepy trying to find Gerard on the internet but I was curious as to just how far he'd gone to make this money. From what I knew the ways were a fucking wealthy family and I couldn't understand what gerard would need all the money for.

A bunch of random people popped up but then one caught my eye. It was gerard on a chair naked but he had his hands between his legs and he was leaning forward so you couldn't see anything. I wasn't going to lie and say it wasn't hot because it was but I also felt really bad that someone or something had pushed him to do this.

My phone buzzed and I shut my laptop going to read the text.

From mikey: bro where the fuck are you?

i texted him back with a quick messgae  
-home didn't feel like going in.

My phone buzzed again quickly after signaling another text from mikey  
-come to mine, it'll just be me and you if that's cool I'm bored and wasn't going to math class

i laughed that he just ditches math randomly because he feels like it but I agreed to meet him at his place hoping to get my mind off things

\---------------

"what up fucker?" Mikey smiled as he answered the door

"nothin much just hanging out with an ass until something better to do comes up." I joked

"ouch." Mikey laughed.

"I'm joking I'm joking." I defended "so what do you wanna do?"

"Got any weed?" He asked me.

"No sorry man."

"Dammit I was hoping you would. I finished all mine and I need to buy more." Mikey said then began looking around the room like he was thinking.

"Here come on." He said grabbing my arm and dragging me into the basement or aka Gerard's room.

"Mikey why are we going to your brothers room?"

"Because he probably has something we can smoke or do shit with. Just help me look he's not very good at hiding things."

Oh if only you knew what he did for a living.

I began digging through Gerard's stuff hoping to find some weed or something so we could get out of there as soon as possible. I couldn't find anything in his dresser so I moved to his nightstand while mikey dug through the desk.

I was on the second drawer when I stopped digging and began looking at what was infront of me. The drawer was a bunch of junk but a few things caught my eye.

There were multiple pill bottles scattered around and a few lighters but two things really shocked me.

There were pictures in the drawer of gerard with another person at multiple places. They all looked like pictures of the two on dates but the weird thing was that the other persons face was burned out of every picture.

the second thing that caught my eye was a retainer case that must've popped open when I was digging because I doubt gerard would leave it open considering what's in it.

In the black case they're were multiple blades of different sizes and shapes. Some were thin and smal like from a razor and some looked like they from x-acto knives

"hey what'd you find-oh shit he still has these?" Mikey said picking up the pictures not noticing the blades.

"why are the faces burned out?" I asked

"It's gees old boyfriend he probably got mad when they broke up and did that. Fucking fag." Mikey mumbled

"Why do you always treat your brother like shit?" I asked instantly regretting it.

"He's an ass who does absolutely nothing but screams and whines whenever Bert is brought up."

"Who's Bert?" I asked

"Long story that doesn't matter- oh fuck man are those blades." Mikey said staring wide eyed at the retainer case.

I nodded waiting to see Mikey's reaction. "He still cuts himself, Jesus Christ it's been like two years and he still does it. What the fuck, why doesn't he just move on." Mikey said shaking his head.

I had no idea what mikey was talking about but I decided not to question it. When mikey ran into the bathroom to piss I grabbed the case with all the blades and threw it in my pocket.

I didnt want gerard hurting himself anymore. I know it was only one kiss but I feel something for him and don't want him to hurt anymore. He'll be mad they're gone but it's for his own good.

mikey came back out and seemed disappointed that we hadn't found any drugs. "Like the dude doesn't even have fucking porn what kind of older brother is that?" Mikey asked out loud.

I was going to respond but then I heard the footsteps on the stairs and I froze along with mikey.

"why the fuck are you two in my room?"


	11. Chapter 11

Gerard's pov

I was so frustrated by the time Mikey and frank finally left my room. mikey had started a fight between us about how he could be in my room and not 'doing' anything and it somehow escalated to Bert.

Frank sat there the whole time just looking between us as we yelled and he looked scared, like he didn't know what to do. I felt bad for what happened between us at the studio because I started it but I wasn't going to bring it up right now so soon.

I would try and talk to him about it eventually but not for a while, I really didn't want to deal with it right now.

as soon as I has started crying during the fight about the things Mikey had said to me about Bert he finally stopped screaming at me and went upstairs with frank right behind him.

When I heard the door to my room slam shut I lost it. I fell to my knees crying. Mikey didn't know anything. He didn't know shit about what Bert did to me and didn't know how much it hurt when he said things to me.

telling me it was my fault when I had been trying to convince myself for a year that it wasn't my fault. Telling me it was because I was miserable to him when he had been the one to make me miserable.

The worst thing though is when he tells me that I deserved what happened to me. Mikey doesn't even know what all happened to me but he can spit shit out at me like there's no tomorrow. He thinks he knows everything but he doesn't know shit.

I was sick of it. I was sick of reliving the past and having it haunt me. I was sick of dealing with my shitty brother. I was sick of being on porn sites for other peoples pleasure. I was sick of dragging frank into all of this and feeling guilty. I was done with being called faggot. I was done with constantly trying to be skinny I was done with everything.

I had no one to talk to at this point besides god and I wasn't even sure if he was real or not but I figured I should talk to him since he's the only that would get me. So I did something I'd never really done. I prayed

"god I know we haven't talked in a long time but this time I really need you. Please god help me I need you." I said not sure how to start.

"just give me a sign because right now I'm falling apart and I don't think that I can do it. Please god give me the strength to pull through it......tell me god should I give up?" I asked

"I could end it all right now, I-I just don't know if I'm brave enough to do it....cause there's got to be a better way than suicide? I could try to wait it out and give things time and tell myself I'll be fine. But god it's been so long and I still haven't been able to get rid of all the thoughts that I feel inside." I said thinking of memories with Bert.

"I'm just so..sick so angry...so mad...and god on top no one even fucking knows that!" I cried to myself.

I stood up and went to my desk and grabbed a pen and a notepad. I began to write a note down to everyone in general. To all the people who knew me or considered themselves to know me.

I just couldn't see my life getting any better. i was starving myself to be skinny and it wasn't working. I was taking photos for porn sites as a job, I was put into a shitty family with a shitty brother.

I just didn't want want to deal with anything anymore so I began to write my note.

Dear everyone,  
I hope that you all feel guilty. Because I'm so broken now and you can't heal me. And now your all an accomplice murder because every single one of you has somehow pitched in to kill me. So the real reason why I'm writing you this letter is to say good bye and tell you that I'm leaving. But don't hold your breath because I am never coming back  
sincerely yours  
-g

i set the letter on my bed and stood up to go get what I needed. I started the shower so no one would come to grab me right away. I didn't want to be half dead and leave anyone with a way to save me.

i wanted to just die and not be stopped. I tested the water to make sure it was warm enough before I went to get my blades for the final act.

I opened my nightstand drawer but the blades weren't there. I panicked and began digging everywhere for my retainer case with my blades inside.

Then I remember Mikey and frank had been in my room. I ran upstairs and straight into Mikey's room. Frank wasn't there anymore I'm guessing since I didn't see him but I didn't care.

"Give them back." I spat harshly.

"Give what back?" Mikey asked

"You know what I'm talking about mikey!" I spat

"no I don't so just tell me what your looking for besides your dignity." He said rolling his eyes.

I jumped on top of him and held him down to the bed. "where the fuck are they!" I screamed.

"What are you talking about!?" He yelled back.

"My blades! Where are my fucking blades!" I screamed begging to cry as I yelled

"I don't have them!"

"Yes you do!" I cried "give them back!" I yelled grabbing his throat hoping he'd get I was being serious.

He started panicking beneath me and yelled as loud as he could.

"MOM! MOM DAD COME HERE!! DAD GERARDS HURTING ME!"

my parents came running upstairs and my dad ripped me off of Mikey.

"Gerard what the hell are you doing to him?!" He yelled.

"Were you trying to kill him?!" My mom yelled at me

all I could do was sit there and cry while my family just stood there and watched me have an emotional breakdown. It wasn't even close to killing myself but it was something to let all the frustration out....for now.


	12. Chapter 12

Gerard's pov.

I hadnt gone into the school the day after my breakdown. I just sat in my room doing nothing. My mom had found my suicide note and talked to me about it.

She basically told me she wasn't going to tell dad or mikey about it but if I needed to talk that I could always go to her. The conversation only made me feel even more guilty than I had felt before. I basically called her a murderer in the note so that me feel pretty shitty.

I had decided to go to school this morning though so my mom wouldn't worry too much. my morning was uneventful and I didn't see mikey anywhere.

he was probably trying to stay low since I had left bruises on his neck from gripping his throat like that when I freaked out. If it was me with bruises on my neck like that I wouldn't even know what to tell people, like what someone accidentally tried choking me?

I shut my locker and went towards the locker room. I liked hiding in there better than the bathroom because there's benches I can lay on and it's cleaner even if it does smell like sweat.

I hadn't eaten in a day because my mom made me eat after she read the note. I kept it down but I felt sick for eating. I had to not eat now for like four days for it to all go away.

I heard the door to the locker room open and I shot up from my laying position. Who would be coming here during lunch? I hoped it was someone that had just forgot something and was coming to grab it and then leave.

The person kept walking to where I was and I started to try and leave but they walked past me but realized someone else was in here with them and walked back to see who I was.

"Gerard?" They questioned

"Frank what are you doing in here?" I asked

"I-well promise you won't tell?"

I nodded. "Promise."

"I'm hiding from your brother." I laughed when he said that and smiled.

"What a coincidence so am I along with everyone else in the school."

"He's so angry for no reason and he won't tell me why, like not even a half decent excuse." Frank said

I didnt know why mikey would be mad. Ya he has bruises on his neck but they're from me and he doesn't have anything else that happened to him within a day that would cause him to be even more of an ass than usual.

"I don't know why he's mad but can I ask you something?" I said looking up at frank debating whether this was a good idea or not.

Frank just looked at me. "Yea what?"

"you know how you and mikey were in my room the other day?"

".....yeah?"

"Well something's missing from my room now and mikey claims he doesn't have it. Do you know anything?" I asked.

"Uhm what are you looking for?" Frank asked quietly.

"I-I..well I'm looking for my blades. They're missing." I said

"oh." Frank said quietly.

"Do you know where they are?" I asked hopefully.

"Yea I do actually."

"What!? Really?l" I said excited that I'd finally get them back.  
"Where are they did mikey hide them?"

"No."

"No? Then where are th-"

"I took them." Frank said sitting down right next to me.

"What why?" I was confused as to why frank of all people would want my blades.

"I found them and took them. I'm sorry gerard but I'm not giving them back."

"They aren't yours. You don't get to keep them."

"I'm not keeping them. I already flushed them." He said seriously.

"What!" I yelled "why would you do that!"

"Because I don't want you hurting anymore gerard" he said and I noticed his eyes were watery.

"Why do you care?" I asked bitterly.

"Because...I like you. I like you a lot and I don't want you to keep hurting." He said looking at me with nothing but care and love in his eyes.

I didnt care that we were in a dirty locker room or that I was still really mad at him for stealing my blades. I just leaned in and kissed him, pulling him close to me and not wanting to ever let go.


	13. Chapter 13

Gerard's pov

Me and frank continued kissing like there was no tomorrow, grabbing each other's hair and pulling each other closer until frank was in my lap.

It was amazing to say the least, that is until the bell rang. We separated and looked at each other. Franks pupils were wide and his cheeks were red, I'm guessing I probably looked the same.

Out of everyone I've ever kissed it's never been like it was with frank right then. it wasn't as caring or loving as frank had made it.

"Gerard people are going to be coming in here soon." He said

"yeah.. Shit uhm do you wanna ditch and like talk?" I asked

frank smiled and laughed. "What's so funny?"

"I'd never thought I'd hear you say you wanted to talk." He said

"yeah well after that I think we should. So what do you say?" I asked

he nodded and stood up fixing his hair and patting it back into place. "wanna head down to razzy fresh?" He asked.

Razzy fresh was a frozen yogurt place I used to love, until I stopped eating. "Gerard?" Frank asked raising his eyebrow.

"Uhm yea sure lets go before the class comes in here to change." I said grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the locker room and outside through one of the many fire exits that the alarms didn't work on.

we walked almost silently to razzy until frank tried to start a casual conversation. "Whats your favorite fro-yo flavor?"

"Uhm probably just chocolate and vanilla mixed, you?"

"Birthday cake." He smiled as we walked in through the front door.

frank instantly went and grabbed a cup and began filling it all the way up with birthday cake flavored yogurt. Then he ran and began covering it in multiple toppings.

I didn't want to eat and I didn't want frank to notice but after he paid for his he noticed I was still standing there empty handed.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I'm not hungry I ate a big lunch." I lied.

He sat down at a booth and pulled me with him making me sit across from him. "Hey dipshit I was with you in the locker room and no eating happened in there unless your talking about my lips." He joked and I blushed.

"But seriously don't tell me your not eating gerard you're so thin."

"Shut up I'm not."

"Uh yeah you are." he argued.

"Frank can we not fight about that right now. Plus I bet you have some questions for me while I'm talking."

"yeah I do have a lot of questions." He said

"okay go." I told him ready to answer.

"One why do you and mikey fight so much  
two why do you have all those blades anyway  
three what's going on with the shoots you do  
four what's going on between us  
and five, who's Bert?" He asked

i was kind of taken back that he had all of them listed and I didn't have any answers ready.

"Uhm me and mikey just don't get along, never have and when I came out it just got worse. Two because I'm not trying to quit cutting. Three it's my job and it's the easiest way for me to make money without needing to have my parents cash checks or anything and mikey will never find out about it. Four I'm not really sure what's between us but I'd like to find out." I said hoping that was enough for all his questions.

"You didn't answer the last one." He said  
"who's Bert? Mikey told me some-"

"mikey doesn't know shit, and Bert's not important." I said harshly trying to get him to drop the subject.

"No I wanna know why whenever mikey says Bert you freak out." Frank said stubbornly.

"Frank."

"No excuses." He said "How about this, either you tell me about Bert or you have to eat a bowl of yogurt." He said smugly.

"That's not a fair trade." I told him. "Frank I'm just not comfortable talking about him okay." I said looking down at my lap feeling like I was going to cry.

"Okay I take it back I'll drop it, but can we go back to another question?" Frank asked softly like if he said something wrong I'd crack.

I nodded and frank began speaking. "Us. What's going on with us."

"Well we kissed and I liked it." I told him honestly.

"I did too...does that mean anything more..." He trailed off.

"Frank if your talking about a relationship I don't think it's a good idea. Mikey would kill me and hate you, and I doubt you'd be able to date me knowing I take dirty pornographic photos with other men for a living."

"Can't you stop?" He asked like it was the simplest thing ever.

"I could but then id have no money and if I'm not monitoring my pictures then they'll end up everywhere." I told him  
"it's just I have to complicated of a life for a relationship."

"I could deal with it." Frank persisted. "I mean could we at least try?"

"Frank it won't work" I told him honestly. I had feelings for frank but in reality it was just going to blow up in our faces if we even tried dating.

"that's bullshit." Frank said angrily. "Does you not wanting to have a relationship have anything to do with Bert?"

"Frank I said drop it."

"So it does have something to do with him. What is it like a trust issue, because gerard I'd love to try and at least become close friends and maybe more." he said hopefully.

"Frank it won't work." I said harshly.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"So you're telling me you won't even give it a shot?" Frank asked.

"I'm sorry but no." I said

"Gerard you cant just-"

"I have to leave." I lied standing up and walking out of the store ignoring the confused and hurt looking frank now sitting in the booth alone.


	14. Chapter 14

Gerard's pov

I walked home and the whole time I couldn't help but feel guilty. I don't like talking about Bert. I don't even care for talking in general but for some reason talking to frank was different.

He was actually interested in what I had to say. He could've picked anything he wanted from me for our deal so he'd keep his mouth shut but he picked that I had to talk to him.

If I was him I probably would've just asked for money in exchange for me being quiet if it was the other way around but he didn't. Plus when we kissed it was more passionate than any other kiss I've ever had and I want to feel that more often.

I had to tell him about Bert. I couldn't keep avoiding frank like the plague and leading him on just because i was scared of letting people into my past.

i walked inside my house and shut the front door. I didn't see any cars out front so my parents weren't home but I was hoping mikey would be here. I needed to talk to him. As I walked towards Mikey's room I thought about things.

I didn't know how I'd be able to manage to quit my job without having my pictures end up everywhere but if frank at least knows why I do everything then maybe we can work it out.  
It would be nice having a normal relationship with someone for once.

I also thought about how this could totally backfire on me and how I'd end up alone and frank wouldn't want to be with me after learning just how broken I was.

After mentally debating for a few moments I knocked hesitantly on Mikey's door and waited for him to answer.  
"What." He said flatly.

"Mikey can we talk." I asked.

Mikey was silent. I think he was expecting one of my parents and not me, I never confront mikey, ever.

"what do you want." He said opening his door and glaring at me.

"Can I come in?"

"Cut the crap and tell me what you want gerard I'm not exactly happy with you right now." He said gesturing to his neck where the bruises I gave him were still very visible.

"Oh, about that... I'm sorry I shouldn't have acted like that over something so stupid. It was my fault I was worried when I couldn't find what I was looking for.." I mumbled,

"so you found your little blades?" Mikey said rudely.

I took a deep breath before pushing past him and going into his room. I shoved him onto his bed and I shut his door then stood in from of him.

"Just for once, once can you please just be my fucking brother and not an asshole." I asked

mikey just looked up at me confused. "Excuse me-"

"mikey cut the bullshit. I need like an hour tops to talk to you and that's it and then I'll leave you alone, I just...I'm sick of you bringing up Bert and not knowing what happened. I know you don't care but I have a friend now that I'm hurting because I keep pushing him away all because of my past." I said stopping to take a breath, about to continue before Mikey cut me off.

"what does this have anything to do with-"

"mikey I'm going to tell you exactly what happened between me and Bert and I need to know your opinion on whether I should tell my friend or not." I said seriously.

Mikey just looked at me for a while but nodded so I began talking.  
"So what do you think I should do?" I asked Mikey with tears flowing down my cheeks.

Mikey had been silent the whole time and I don't know if it was because he was shocked or because he just didn't care but I was hoping he'd have at least some input.

"Gerard you know I absolutely don't approve of your relationships with dudes but this 'friend' may need to know these things soon if you actually...like him." mikey said truthfully.

it wasn't even exactly a kind comment but it was the most interest Mikey had ever shown towards me and I appreciated that.

"thank you." I said and then began to walk back to my room, but I heard it.

I heard Mikey whisper the 'your welcome' that I knew I wasn't supposed to hear but it made me smile and I felt a lot better about what I was about to do.

once I got to my room I pulled out my phone and went to franks number which I had stolen off of Mikey's phone a few weeks ago incase I'd need it and I began typing.

-frank we need to talk. I'm so sorry about how I was acting earlier but I want to make it up to you

frank: where do you want to talk and how do I know you won't leave again.  
He asked.

-I promise I won't. Come over later and I'll handle Mikey for the night but I need to do this as soon as possible.  
i told him hoping he'd agree.

it took a few minutes before he responded but eventually he did.

Frank: you get one shot at this or else I'm not going to try and talk to you anymore and I will tell Mikey about the modeling. I'm getting sick of this Gerard.

-I promise I didn't mean to lead you on, frank I want to at least try and explain things please just believe me.  
I wrote praying he would.

Frank: I'll be over at eleven.

I sighed knowing there was no turning back now. I was about to open up to frank about everything.

I was about to let him in.  
I was about to talk about Bert for the first time in forever, and I was fucking terrified about all of it.


	15. Chapter 15

Frank showed up half an hour late at eleven thirty. I had managed to slip mikey details about a party going on with the kids in my grade which he took and left as soon as he could to go get fucked up.

I didn't even know whose party it really was I just heard about it during school one day and happened to remember the kids name whose house it was at and when.  
Sometimes it pays to listen in on people's conversations.

Either way when frank got here he was quiet and seemed reserved like he was trying to make me get he was serious about going and telling Mikey if I left him again for no reason.

"So how are you going to do this?" He asked me.

"Uh let's go to my room yeah? Mikey may show up if the party's lame and I'd rather be able to lock a door and keep him out so he can't just walk right in." I said

Frank nodded and we went downstairs.  
i sat on my bed while frank sat across from me on the futon.  
I took a breath preparing myself for all the shitty memories and started talking.

"Okay so the reason I'm always so shitty around people is mainly because of Bert and you know that. I'm sure you've probably guessed that we've had a relationship in the past which is right. Me and Bert dated for two years, since freshman year.  
he was amazing and loving and he was my first boyfriend. He always assured me I was beautiful an no one could ever compare to me but it was all bullshit.  
He lied to me.

After dating for a year he got frustrated with me because I didn't want to have sex with him. I loved him but I wasn't ready to take that step. He said if we did it, it would somehow make us a more official couple and make me more comfortable about coming out since I still hadn't told anyone officially. He was older than me by a year and a half so he was more experienced which made me pretty nervous too.

One day I decided that I was ready and went to surprise him.  
I showed up at his house and went up to his room but when I reached the door I heard it...  
the moaning.  
I threw the door open and walked in on him having sex. With a fucking girl.

he tried to deny that he had been cheating and said it was just a one time thing. I didn't want to hear it but he wouldn't leave me alone and persuaded me to date him again during sophmore year.  
I was stupid and heartbroken and I still didn't want to have sex with him but he wouldn't drop the subject. Everything we did he'd try to turn into sex. I got fed up with it and decided to man up and just do it so he'd leave me alone.  
So I went to his house one night during the middle of the school year, and made sure neither of his parents would be home. During a movie marathon he started kissing me which escalated to touching but this time I didn't stop him, I told him to do it, so we did.

The sex was good but I still regret doing it. I wasn't really ready and I knew it.

The next day he dumped me, at school, infront of everyone in homeroom.  
Mikey's friend was in my homeroom that year and told mikey along with multiple other people so I got hate all day for something I didn't really want to do.  
Then the worst part happened. I had been shoved in a locker by Mikey's asshole homophobic friends but the locker I was shoved into was by Bert's, and I heard him and his friend talking at the end of the day completely oblivious I was right next to them just a few lockers down.  
They were talking about me and Bert....and about how they didn't think he'd go through with the bet." I said whispering the last part.

"gerard-" frank started but I wasn't done

"it was a fucking bet." I whispered beginning to cry.  
"he used me and took my virginity all for some fucking bet! He lead me on for two years and then he had the nerve to try and get me back this summer. I flipped out on him and we were at a park so a bunch of people saw us fighting.  
One of them happened to be James the photographer.

After we had broken up Bert started calling me fat and ugly whenever he'd walk past me in the hall.  
I believed it and when James told me that if I did the shoots he could make me look beautiful I bought into it.  
My first shoot was on some sex chat site. As soon as the pictures went up people started commenting on them saying I was hot and sexy so it made me feel good.

Eventually the shoots started getting more serious and I ended up fucking people during the shots and making miniature video adds with random dudes.  
I only did it at first because I liked being told I was good looking but that only made me want to get more comments and I figured being thinner would get me that so I stopped eating.  
It got me a lot of websites wanting my adds but one website wanted me as an actor in they're porn videos.

I was stupid. So fucking stupid.  
I did it.  
I fucked someone and the video went everywhere. I have no idea how Mikey hasn't found it yet with all the ads for it everywhere but I worry all the time. I used to have blonde hair then which I loved but I can't go back to blonde because I don't want anyone to recognize it.

One day I realized just how stupid I was for doing that. I didn't even know the guy and I still did it not even for the money it was mainly because I wanted to be told I was good looking because I felt like i was getting back at Bert in some weird way but I was wrong.  
So wrong and I didn't know what to do. I was overwhelmed and I punched my mirror one night out of frustration, it shattered and the glass cut my hand up which gave me the idea of cutting because believe it not breaking that mirror felt amazing and then I turned to the blade hoping to get the same feeling again, and it worked for a while but now I just do it to try and get that feeling whenever I feel shitty but I can never get it and I just keep going hoping I do."  
I took a moment to collect myself and saw frank was crying and his face looked shocked and sympathy filled.

"I just-frank I like you and the kisses we shared weren't to lead you on in any way, I just got scared. Bert graduated since he was a year older but I still see him around. He's actually friends with Mikey cause he sells him weed sometimes and I just hate knowing he's still around especially when he still flirts with me to mess with my feelings. Frank I like you and I do want to give it a shot." I said and gave him a hopeful look.

Frank didn't say anything. he just nodded and then he kissed me.  
The kiss was amazing and we didn't stop. We kept going and things became more heated but unlike with Bert, this time  
I was ready.


	16. Chapter 16

When I woke up I felt better than I had in a long time I was wrapped in blankets and frank was cuddling up to me. His skin was warm and soft. I placed a kiss on his forehead and he looked up at me smiling.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked smiling back.

"I just got laid, who wouldn't be happy?" He said smirking at me.

"You make it sound like you had a one night stand." I joked stroking the side of his face.

"Gerard this is not a one night stand." He said suddenly very serious. "I'm not going to dump you like Bert. I wasn't trying to talk to you or have sex with you as part of a bet, I did it because I really like you." he said staring into my eyes

"I know." I whispered because I did. I trusted frank enough to tell him everything and have sex with him even though I was still severely broken inside.

Last night after we had finished we had been cuddling and frank examined my scars, every single one of them, and he just kept telling me how beautiful I was, which is something I hadn't heard in a long time.

"Fucccccckkkkk." I heard someone groan out from the hallway upstairs and then I realized it was mikey.  
"gerrrrrarrred open up I need an Advil and you have em all." He said obviously hungover as he continually banged on my door at the top of the steps.

"Frank go stand over there where he can't see you. I'm going to run the pills up to him but just in case he falls or something I don't want him to see anything." I said quickly as I grabbed the Advil out of my nightstand and ran up to mikey after sliding on boxers.

I opened the door and handed the bottle to mikey and went to shut it but mikey stopped me. "Dude moms gonna kill me can I hide down here please?" He asked.

"No mikey." I said harshly.

"Why not?" He asked confused.

"Because it's your fault you got drunk and I don't want you in my room." I told him.

"Come on please mom will literally kill me this time and I promise to be nice." He pleaded squinting his eyes from his obvious headache.

"no." I said and then shut the door in his face not caring if he got into any trouble or not.

"you're a fucking faggot gerard you don't need to be a dick too."mikey said rudely.  
Im not going to lie that kinda hurt but I ignored it and went back down to frank after locking the door once again.

"Hey." I said

"hey..." He mumbled.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I was just thinking...are we ever going to tell anyone?" He asked

"yeah of course-"

"like mikey?" He asked biting his lip.

"frank if we tell mikey I'll never stop getting shit and neither will you." I told him because it was true.

"Gerard Mikey's my friend and I think he'll accept us. I mean he's not exactly the kindest but he is my friend and if we don't tell him we can't ever be an actual couple. We'll just be some secret."

"frank I know youre his friend but you won't be if he finds out your gay and especially if he finds out you're dating me. He'll never talk to you again.  
We can always just hang out down here by ourselves without mikey knowing. You just have to be careful coming down here." I said

"Gerard mikey will notice if I stop hanging out with him and don't have a good reason. He'll be able to tell something's up." Frank argued. He had a good point.  
Frank spent most of his time with mikey and if he just stopped it'd be noticiable and odd.

"Well when else can we hang out?" I asked.

"see that's the problem if were a secret.  
We can't.  
the only time I'm not with mikey is if I'm with Jamia and normally that's at the studios....." He trailed off obviously thinking about my shoots.

"Frank tell me what your thinking." I said softly.

"I'm thinking I don't want you to be taking those pictures with other people instead of being my boyfriend." He said quietly.

"Frank you know I-"

"can't quit. I know. Can't you do them alone at least? I mean isn't there anything we can do to maybe make them less frequent and then have them stop eventually?" he asked

"frank I need money for myself and it pays more to be with other guys I'm sorry baby but I don't have any other ideas-"

"what if I did them with you?" Frank said seriously

wait what?


	17. Chapter 17

"No."

"No?"

"No frank. You're not doing the shoots with me." I said

"why not it would fix most of the problems."

"Frank you realize you're putting your body out there for anyone to see, hell your sister could see it! I'm not putting you at that type of risk. It was stupid enough for me to start doing it just because I wanted people to tell me I'm pretty and I'm not letting you do it for me when I shouldn't have done it in the first place."

"But gee-"

"no. No butts whatsoever you're not doing the shoots with me."

"So you'd rather fuck other dudes during the pictures instead of you're boyfriend?" Frank asked rudely.

"I'd rather not do it at all!"

"Then quit!" He yelled.

"Shhh! Mikey's upstairs and we already went through this!" I told him.

Frank just shook his head. "You realize you could just quit. No one you know found your ads or video yet so what makes you think they will? Plus the more pictures you take the more chance you have of people seeing them."

"Frank no one can see them while I'm monitoring the pic-"

"fucking Christ gerard I saw them and I didn't even have to try!" He yelled

"What do you mean you saw them and didn't have to try?" I asked worriedly

"I wanted to see if I could find you online and nothing came up with your name so I searched black haired twink or something and you popped up in one of the pictures." He said

"you're lying"

"google it" he said handing me his phone.

I opened safari and searched black haired twink. As it loaded I became more and more nervous. Images started popping up and I didn't see any of me and felt relieved.

I slowly scrolled down and then froze when I did see myself. I threw the phone and started crying. Frank seemed shocked and didn't know what to do.

He kept telling me to calm down but I couldn't. I had tried so hard to keep those pictures on private websites but apparently I got screwed somewhere along the line.

I felt filthy and then my stomach dropped.  
if my pictures had gotten out then that meant....  
my video may have too.

i ran and grabbed franks phone from where I threw I it and typed in the title of my video which was permanently ingrained in my head. 'blonde haired beauty gets pounded (boyxboy)'

I clicked on the first link which took me to some shitty porn site and then I clicked on the play arrow on the black screen.  
My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest as I waited.

The video began playing and i screamed out in frustration and i was crying so it came out as a high pitched whine. I buried my head in my hands and let the sobs rack through my body.

"Gerard?" Frank asked hesitantly. He looked down at the phone and then back at me. "Is that?"

I threw the phone at him. "Go ahead. Watch it. Be like one of the millions of others who've seen it."

Frank looked confused as to what to do as I watched him. "Gerard I-"

"seriously watch it. You may as well see why I don't want you to start doing shoots."

Frank clicked the lock button on his phone and tossed the phone onto the floor. "I'm not going to watch it."

"Why?"

"Because." He said as he sat down on the futon next to me. "Because you're my boyfriend and I have the real you right here. I don't need the fake porn version. We all make mistakes yours just happens to be different than most but it doesn't make you any less than you think you are."

"I can't believe I let it get out to the public and not know about it." I said. "I just feel so stupid."

"Youre not stupid gerard. It's the internet anything can get out. Plus doesn't this mean you can stop now?"

"Stop?" I asked "stop what- oh the shoots? Why would I be able to stop now."

"Well isn't the worst already out there?" He said talking about the video. "what more could really happen if you stopped?"

"I have no idea"


	18. Chapter 18

It had been a week since I found out about my video going public and things between me and frank have been going pretty good since he thinks I stopped my photo shoots.

I technically have but I'm going to one today because I'm basically out of money from re-buying all the clothes Mikey donated to good will.

Me and frank have been able to spend a decent amount of time together too even while remaining a secret. Mikey's been smoking a lot more and frank always urges him to do it in my room so he doesn't get caught.

Even though I don't get to smoke any weed because Mikey's an ass I'm still in the same room as frank and once Mikey's to high to function or passed out me and frank get to sit and cuddle and kiss a little which is better than nothing.

Currently I'm sitting alone at lunch and watching frank talk to Mikey and his friends. About halfway through lunch he looks over at me and frowns when he sees I'm not eating and stands to leave before telling the rest of the table something.

He walks toward the exit of the cafeteria and nods for me to follow him. I stand and walk into the hallway, seeing my beautiful boyfriend standing in front of the bathroom door and head towards him.

Once were in the bathroom frank looks to see no ones there besides us. "no food?" He asks sounding upset.

"No I uh ate breakfast." I lied. Frank frowns at me then pushes me up against the wall and kisses me

"You don't have to stop eating to be beautiful. You're gorgeous." He says. "So fucking gorgeous I'd do you right now." and he rolls his hips against mine hard.

"Fuck frank." I groan. "N-not here and it's fine I did eat breakfast." I said pushing him off my body.

Frank gives me a concerned look. "are you lying?"

"No I swear Frankie I ate."

"Ya sure." He says rolling his eyes at me.

"Please don't be mad I'm trying-"

"Gerard you need to eat. Lying to me isn't trying. Plus you just turned me down so I can tell something's wrong."

I bite the insides of my cheek trying not to think about how I was going to a shoot right after school.

"What is it? What's bothering you?"

"Nothing I just am upset I ate breakfast, and I turned you down because I feel fat and didn't want you to see me." I lied. I didn't eat breakfast but I do feel like my outfit is making look heavy today which kind of does upset me.

"Aw baby you're not fat." Frank says wrapping his arms around my waist and placing a kiss on my cheek. "Like I said you're gorgeous. You just need to relax about everything I know it's been a hectic week."

"Relaxing sounds good. What about tonight, like you could sleep over and hang since Mikey will be at a party since it's Friday."

"or we could hang out after school and head to the party together since everyone will be to shitfaced to care if were making out, and if they're sober they'll think were drunk." Frank said smiling up at me.

"or we could stay at my place with no boundaries whatsoever." I suggested hoping he'd say yes so I wouldn't have to lie about why I couldn't hang out right after school.

"Gee you're no fun." He pouted. "Come on let's go to the party." He said then leaned up to whisper in my ear "we can fuck there too."

His voice sent shivers down my spine but I couldn't "what if you give me some time to prepare for the party, like I'll try and eat before I go so I won't puke everywhere after drinking on an empty stomach and I'll pick you up and we can go."

"Gee you know I don't care if you eat in front of me. You're not fat." He said.

"Frank that's not the problem-"

"then what is Gerard? Why don't you want to go to the party and hangout with me?" He asked sounding sad.

"No Frankie I do but I want to eat beforehand and I can't if your watching. Please trust me I'm trying to eat for you but I need to take baby steps not leaps and eating on my own is a baby step. Maybe once I'm more comfortable I'll be able to eat in front of people but not now." I said

frank nodded. "Okay just text me whenever you're coming to get me. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm pressuring you." He apologized.

"It's fine really." I said kissing him. "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah." He smiled and kissed me back before heading out of the bathroom and to his next class.

 

\---------------

"hey gee." James smiled at me as I stepped into his studio.

"Hi." I answered quietly. I felt like shit about lying to frank and I really didn't want to go to a party. It'd be hot and I'd be wearing about three layers of clothes. Plus frank thinks everyone will be to drunk to care about us hanging out all night but I guarantee some how someone who knows Mikey will remember and make a big deal.

"Alright you ready?" James asks me.

"What are we shooting today?" I asked

"dude I just told you." He said laughing

"Oh..I uhm sorry I was thinking and didn't hear you."

"You have one add where you'll be in handcuffs and a gag for a toy site and then when the other dude shows up we're going to get some shots of him fucking you with you all handcuffed up for a bondage site add."

"Other dude?" I asked "I told you I wanted solo only."

"And I already have to pay you're ass plus the other guys and myself with what the sites are giving me so stop complaining or I'll take your cut. Plus you've never complained before."

Ya because id never had a boyfriend before that I felt guilty about cheating on.

\-----------

I got home and felt so guilty about the shoot that when frank texted me to see when I was coming to get him I told him that I wasn't going.

He asked me why and I told him I felt sick but that he could go and we could hang out some other time this weekend. Frank didn't respond to me after that

i sat in my room for a while letting the guilt of what I had done consume me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and stripped down to my boxers before heading into my bathroom.

I stared at myself in the mirror and poked at my stomach. I tried sucking in but still felt fat. I bit my lip in thought before locking the door to the bathroom and grabbing my shaving razor for my face.

I used the the cup on my sink for rinsing my mouth out to hit the razor with until the part containing the actual blades broke off.

from there I picked at the casing covering them and holding them together until they all popped out.

I sat there just staring at them for a while until I picked one up and pulled my boxers up so I had easy access to my thigh. Most of my cuts were healed because I and been staying clean so I could do the shoots but right now I didn't care.

If my thighs are all cut open I can't do the shoots until they heal which means I wouldn't have to lie to frank about not doing them for a while which would be nice but then I'd be lying to him about not hurting myself anymore.

i decided I didn't want to just make slices this time and instead chose to write words.

I carved a very deep cut that said F A T across the front of my thigh and underneath I began carving the letters to the next word which ended up being S L U T

"Gerard are you down here?" I heard a vice call out from my room that definitely wasn't Mikey's.

"Frank?" I called back. "What are you doing here?" I asked trying to sound calm.

"I felt bad you didn't want to go to the party so I came to hang our with you. I'm sorry if you're mad I just didn't realize how hard it would be for you to go out." He said apologetically

"uh no it's fine you should've went." I said as I furiously tried to get the bleeding to stop.

"Gerard are you okay?" He asked. "Why are you staying in the bathroom baby?"

"I just uh was- uh." I said blanking out on any lie to get myself out of this.

"Gerard what's going on your scaring me."

"Frank just give me a minute."

"Why, Gerard what are you doing" He asked more urgently.

"Frank please-"

"don't tell me your throwing up or something gee you're not fat please open up." he begged

"frank give me a minute!" I yelled and then he began angrily pounding and kicking at the door.

"Open up or I'm busting it down!" He yelled.

I didn't want the door to break and get in trouble so I unlocked it. "I'm coming out stop kicking". I said shakily

Once he stopped I took a deep breath not that it helped since I was already crying and opened the door.

"Gerard what were you- oh my god! You're bleeding! Oh shit gerard why'd you do that to yourself!" He cried his eyes now watery.

"I'm sorry." I choked out.

"Let- let's get you cleaned up." He said grabbing a towel and wetting it before sitting me down on the lid of the toilet seat.

he began dabbing at the blood while I watched ignoring the pain. He continued slowly cleaning my leg until for some reason he dropped the towel and covered his mouth with his hands.

He started crying and shaking very hard and now I was worrying.  
"frank-"

"you are not a fat slut gerard." oh so he saw what it said.  
"You're fucking beautiful." He whispered pulling me into a hug. "Fucking. Beautiful."


	19. Chapter 19

"Gerard what were you thinking when you did this to yourself?" Frank asked as he held me on my bed with him.

I didn't respond and instead just stared at the floor wanting it to swallow me whole. I wasn't trying to die I just wanted something other than the guilt I had been feeling to take over and I hadn't expected anyone to catch me doing it.

"Gerad don't go silent on me again it took me a while to get you to talk in the first place." He said making me think of when we first met at the studios

"I'm sorry" I whispered

"baby don't be it's okay, you're okay. But gee where'd you get the blades. I thought I got them all." He said.

"I broke my shaving razor."

"Why gee?"

"Because you took all my other ones." I huffed.

"That's not what I meant. I meant why'd you do it? Was going to this party really bothering you that much, because you could've just told me if that was the problem."

"No it wasn't the party I just felt shitty in general, like I felt guilty."

"What do you have to be guilty about?" Frank asked running his hands through my hair.

I couldn't bring up the shoot because it would break his heart, and probably his trust in me so I lied...again.

"Don't be mad." I said "but I felt guilty for eating."

Franks sighed "Gerard do you think I'm thin?" He asked.

"Yeah you're gorgeous." I answered truthfully.

"Do you have a scale anywhere in this house?" He asked.

Oh no. Hell no. I was not getting on a scale.

"Gerard answer me."

"Yeah there's one in my parents room." I said giving in.

He dragged me upstairs to my parents room. They weren't home and I didn't know where they were but I didn't really care.

Just as I began freaking out about getting on the scale frank began taking all his clothes off until he was just in his underwear.

"Frank what are you-"

frank cut me off by stepping on the scale and asking "Gerard what number does the scale say?" seriously.

I loooked down and read. "it says you weigh one hundred thirty pounds."

"Okay you're turn."

"Frankie come on please don't make me-"  
I stopped talking when I saw the face he was giving me.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I stepped on the scale. "wanna know what number the scale says you weigh?" He asked.

"No not really." I told him truthfully not daring to look down at the dreaded thing.

"Gee it says you weigh one hundred and seven pounds."

"Fuck." I hissed.

"No don't. Don't you dare, Gerard you realize that means you weigh twenty-three whole pounds less than me and you said I was thin."

"You are." I said not understanding.

"That means you're thin if you weigh less than me." He said.

I didn't want to hear the bullshit. Frank could be lying about what the scale said since I stepped off and didn't dare to look down at all. Scales scared me, they seemed to control my happiness.

 

\-----------

all weekend frank stayed with me and we basically just cuddled while he tried to make me believe I was thin. It was on Sunday though when Mikey finally made it home from the party's he'd been at and he wasn't very happy to find us laying together on the couch with frank asleep in my lap.

He freaked out but I told him that frank had come over looking for him and the only reason he was asleep in my lap was because he was still trashed.

Mikey didn't really give a shit, he just grabbed frank and began dragging him to his room away from me. when frank woke due to being moved he gave me a confused look

I mouthed an 'I'm sorry' at him but he just shook his head at me as Mikey slammed the door to his room.


	20. Chapter 20

Franks pov

"listen mikey I swear Gerard didn't-"

"frank shut up." Mikey said cutting me off "Gerard's weird it's not your fault that you got trashed and he put you in his lap."

"Wait- no mikey that's not-"

"I can't stand that fag either trust me I understand you. I can't believe I'm going to have to spend a whole week with him though so be happy you don't have to do that at least." Mikey said as he dug through his drawers still not paying much attention to me.

"Wait you two live together what do you mean you have to spend a week with him? You've already lived together your whole lives." I said

"my mom and dad thought I was alseep the other day and they want me and gerard to get along so were going on a surprise trip to the beach this week. I guess they think it will be fun but its not going to be, I'm just happy I overheard them so I can pack enough shit to get me through the week" he said as he pulled out a pill bottle filled with weed from his nightstand.

"Like god maybe I'll get lucky and find some cute chicks to bang but gerard will just sit there and not do anything. He won't go in the water cause he won't take off his clothes and when my parents force him to he'll break down and they'll leave him alone cause they don't fuckin know what's wrong. gerard doesn't talk to anyone so how would they know he's so fucked up." Mikey sighed

Gerard's family is going to the beach? shit that can't be good for gee. He'll have a mental breakdown about his body.

"Are you positive you're even going?" I asked mikey.

"Yep. We leave tomorrow at noon and we stay till next Sunday so six days since tomorrow's Monday."

"But wouldn't you're parents tell you at least today so you could get stuff packed In time?"

"No I'm pretty sure that once we get there they'll give us money to buy whatever we need" he answered.

That was probably true because the ways were wealthy people but gerard would hate clothes shopping. And having to wear layers at the beach? He'll have a heat stroke.

"Are you going to tell gerard?" I asked

"Nope."

"Why not, he deserves to know "

"I think it will do him good, serves him right for what he did to me." Mikey spat.

"What the hell do he do to you?" I asked bitterly even though mikey didn't seem to notice.

"Fucker couldn't find his blades and tried choking me. I screamed for my parents and that's probably why they're doing this anyway, I mean seeing your kid strangling his sibling isn't exactly a pleasent thing plus he left brushes that are still noticeable." Mikey said adjusting his shirt collar so I could see the ones still very purple where Gerard's thumbs must have been on his neck.

 

"I just hope he doesn't do anything stupid when he finds out were leaving like trying to suddenly remember he has something important he needs to do just to try and get out of going. God why'd I have to get stuck with the shittiest brother?" He asked out loud and by that time I'd had enough.

I stood up and left Mikey's room walking back down to the main floor. Gerard was on the couch looking nervous so I went over and kissed him hard before I left telling him I'd see him tommorow morning before school.

 

\--------

 

it was three days later and I was bored without gee so I was with Jamia at the studios while she modeled some weird looking dress, but it suited her body style.

I was texting gee constantly but my phone was almost dead so I'd ended our conversation. The past two nights he'd called me crying about how much he hated it and that if his parents did finally force him to take off his clothes and go in the water that they'd send him away once they saw his thighs and weight, and he'd never see me again.

i tried to tell him that it would be okay but if he was my kid and I saw fat slut carved into my child's thighs they'd be at therapy in an instant.

as I waited for my phone to charge in a back room I took a walk around since I'd probably be here all day and needed something to keep me entertained.

I was halfway through the first floor of the studio when someone tapped my shoulder. "Hey you're that kid that's friends with Gerard."

I turned and saw the photographer that had taken the pictures of me and Gerard almost three weeks ago. "What do you want." I asked rudely, not wanting to talk to someone who dragged my boyfriend into having an eating disorder.

"Where is he? He won't answer and he hasn't called to tell me he won't being showing up but he's an hour late for his shoot."

"Excuse me?" I asked not believing my ears.

"You're little friend had three shoots lined up this week that he set the times for and so far he hasn't shown to two of them. He picked the times to work for him so where is he?" The photographer asked more angrily than before.

"You mean Gerard had three shoots this week that he scheduled?" I asked wanting to cry.

"yes now where is he?" The man asked rudely.

"I-I'm sorry I don't know." I asked walking away with tears burning my eyes.

Gerard had lied to me.


	21. Chapter 21

Gerard's pov

it was the third day of my vacation from hell and I just wanted to die. My parents are worried about me, Mikey's out banging random girls every night and brings them back to our hotel room.

oh yeah since this was apparently a 'bonding' trip for me and mikey my parents got us a separate room on a conpletley different floor from them.

Mikeys been kicking me out and stealing my key so he can bang girls he grabs from the beach. I've been sleeping down on the beach and although it's comfortable I hate waking up with sand everywhere

i also really also hate seeing all the people on the beach. with their tan and fit bodies able to wear bikinis and boys able to wear swim trunks and speedos and look amazing while I'm sitting here in a sweatshirt and sweatpants with the beaches name sprawled all over it with neon colors trying to hide my pale and ugly body.

I also miss frank. I've called him crying the past few nights but he said today that his phone was dying and he had to go. I'm not totally sure if he was being honest or was just getting sick of listening to me complain.

it was currently about two o'clock I think and my parents had dragged me and mikey for a family day instead of just a brother day.

Mikey was in the water flirting with some girls and hitting a beach ball around, my parents were holding hands while laying on they're towels and I was sitting a little ball next to them watching mikey with jealousy.

Im gay obviously but It would be nice to be good looking and get hit on by both genders. I was really jealous that mikey was naturally thin too. Both of my parents were very fit and thin too.

I hated feeling like like the odd one out expect ally around my own family.

"gee baby why don't you go in the water?" My mom asked me looking up over her sunglasses.

"No I'm fine-"

"have you and Michael talked to each other at all so far on this trip?" My dad asked.

"Yeah." I answered not wanting to disappoint them.

"Really?" My mom asked happily.

"yeah we've been talking while we've been alone in our hotel room at night. It's nice" I lied.

"That's good so why don't you get in the water?" My dad asked seconding my mom.

"I just don't feel like swimming."

"Have you gone in at all yet?"

"Well no but-"

"no?! Gerard have fun go swim!" My mom cheered.

"Mom seriously I'm-"

"wait are you waiting for go out there meet people maybe you'll meet some cute boys." My mom gushed.

My parents were okay with me being gay it's just mikey that has a problem. Plus I'm pretty sure my mom is happy she gets to talk about boy problems with me since she doesn't have a daughter.

"Mom I'm not trying to meet anyone."

"Gerard go for it. What if the love if your life is here in the ocean? There's no harm in trying." My dad pressed.

"Guys I'm fine I'm perfectly content just sitting here and people watching seriously. If I see someone drop dead gorgeous walk by I'll get up and talk to them okay?" I said trying to get them off my back and feeling upset that I can't tell them I have a boyfriend because if mikey knew about frank and I he'd be livid.

"Here it'll be fun and you don't have to tell mikey" my mom said handing me her credit card.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" I asked.

"Go buy some guys some drinks you look close enough to twenty one and they never check your id at the beach."

"Mom most guys at the beach are straight."

"Don't knock it till you try it" she smiled at me as I stood up and walked to the closest bar but not to buy anyone drinks.

\------------------

i was sitting outside my hotel room door waiting for mikey to show up and hopefully let me into at least shower.

When he did show up he had two girls with him. One all over him and one looking bored, until she saw me.

"He's cute is he your friend?" She asked mikey.

He glared at me but dragged me to my feet and whispered in my ear. "Don't ruin this for me just go along with her it'll do you good and maybe make you see why girls are better than guys."

"Mikey I'm not going to-"

"Cameron and Jamie this is gerard, gerard this is Cameron" he said shoving her towards me "and this is Jamie." He said kissing the girl in his arms cheek before opening the hotel room door.

"Condoms are in the nightstand between the beds" he said before heading to his bed with Jamie while Cameron dragged me to our bed and threw me down before climbing on top of me.

This wasn't going to end well


	22. Chapter 22

Jamie and mikey went straight at it. I could hear her moaning and I could clearly see mikey with his hand down her underwear. It was disgusting.

This Jamie girl was probably sweet and kind and not a total slut but mikey didn't care and would rather bang her and move on before he took any kind of consideration towards her feelings.

I was shocked to say the least when Cameron bent down and kissed me. I kept my mouth shut as a sign I didn't want to do this but she just giggled and whispered "I bet I know what you want" in a low voice

she directed my hand to her lower half and up under her coverup she was wearing. I pulled my arm back and opened my mouth to tell her no when she just giggled again and placed a single finger over my lips silencing me.

"Don't be shy you can touch me, but if you want me to touch you instead I'm up for that." She smiled and dug her palm into the crotch of my pants.

"Cameron listen you're pretty and all but I can't-"

"you think I'm pretty?" She asked

"yes but I need you to st-" I stopped speaking and gasped when i felt her hand suddenly on my dick. Her hands were smooth but franks calloused ones were better.

"Cameron please." I begged

"please what?" She asked trying to be seductive

"no not like that just please stop-"

"what is this?" She asked and I felt her hand rubbing over the gauze on my thigh.

"Cameron seriously-"

she ripped my pants down and stared at the gauze. She went to remove it and I panicked. I slapped her and shoved her away from me causing her to scream and mikey and Jamie to separate.

"What's going on?" Mikey asked.

"Jamie we're leaving. Now." Cameron snapped as she grabbed her friends arm and pulled her out of the room, slamming the door on the way.

I gulped knowing that mikey was probably going to kill me.

"What the fuck!" He yelled

"Nothing I'll leave I'm sorry." I mumbled starting to cry as I stood up.

Mikey grabbed my arm and spun me around so our faces were right in front of each other. "what is wrong with  
you!? Jesus Christ gerard I tried to get you laid and you repay me by making yours and my girl leave?" He asked angrily.

"I don't like girls." I said firmly

"ya but I do you fuckwad, plus isn't like still against your agenda to punch a girl?"

"I didn't punch her!" I fought back.

"Then what happened huh?" He pressed

"She wouldn't stop when I asked and I panicked okay? I slapped her and shoved her off me. Happy now?"

"Oh my god gerard, a hands a hand what difference does it make with the gender when she only wanted to rub you off?!"

"she wasn't trying to rub me." I mumbled.

"Then what the fuck did she do there's nothing else under there!" He yelled yanking my pants down to make a point but froze when he stood and suddenly saw the gauze

i went to pull my pants back up but mikey tackled me down to the floor and ripped the gauze off causing me to scream since some skin had been sticking to it.

I tired shoving him away but he was frozen in place staring at the words carved in my thigh, suddenly he was pulling up my shirt too and staring at my stomach.

He jumped off me and grabbed his phone.

"What are you doing?" I asked instantly

"calling mom she needs to see this, you need help." He answered.

"I need help?" I asked angrily. "Oh so suddenly you care about me and my health?"

"You need help and if you die I don't want to feel guilty for not doing at least something like calling mom."

"Oh so this is about guilt?" I asked  
"you should be guilty mikey and I hope you fucking feel it eating you away when I die because you helped cause my death in the first place! You're one of the main reasons I'm like this!" I yelled

"get over your fucking ego trip mikey! You. Don't. Care. About. Me."


	23. Chapter 23

I ran out of the hotel room and was going to run to the beach but when I finally made it to the lobby my parents were standing at the doors in their pajamas.

Great mikey must've called them.

"Gerard!" My dad yelled once he spotted me. They both ran towards me but I turned around to try and run away. I couldn't go into another room because they were locked so I ran trying to find a public restroom somewhere.

"Baby stop!" My mom yelled. "We just want to talk to you!"

I ran until a hallway I turned into to ended with a window and no turns. I was trapped and my parents were running down the hallway towards me. I began shaking and fell to my knees crying, scared as to what was going to happen.

\----------------

we'd now been home for a week and I haven't been allowed to leave the house. My parents almost had heart attacks when they got me back to their room at the hotel and stripped me.

They are now monitoring my every move and everything I eat. I'm not going to school either because theyre scared I'll run off when they aren't watching me.

"Gerard come on breakfast." My mom called. I knew better than to tell her no after the first time I tried to refuse food.

I sat down at the breakfast counter with mikey next to me. Mikey hasn't said much to me after I punched and screamed at him for calling mom and dad when we were heading home.

My mom set down a plate of food in front of me and mikey. Mikey began eating his while I stared at mine.

I reluctantly picked up my fork and cut into the pancake. I ate about half of one before I ran over to the sink and began throwing up because my body was rejecting the food.

"Shh shh your okay." My mom said as she rubbed my back while I basically dry retched into the sink.

I eventually stood up and rinsed out my mouth. when I looked up my dad and mikey were both just staring at me and my mom was still rubbing my back.

There was awkward silence until my mom changed the subject. "Mikey what are you doing today?"

"I'm just going to call ray and frank to come over if that's okay."

I stifened when frank was mentioned. I missed him and he's probably pissed at me for not texting him but my parents took my phone and laptop.

My mom told mikey that was fine and then told me to go sit in the living room. She didn't like me being in my room without someone down there because when they searched it they found a bunch of blades I'd actually forgot about.

i heard the doorbell ring and mikey went to answer it. Frank walked in greeting mikey with a hey and a wave to my parents but when he spotted me he looked hurt.

All I could to do was pray that we'd get some alone time just so I can explain and fix our relationship. I couldn't loose anything else. It'd kill me.

\------------  
franks pov

me and mikey went to his room and I tried to act like everything was normal but when I saw gerard I wanted to cry. He'd been ignoring me and I found out he'd still been doing the shoots so unless he has a really damn good reason for not responding then I was leaving. I didn't want I be lied to anymore.

"Dude I missed seeing you to bad ray couldn't come." Mikey said

"Ya same. So how was the beach." I asked him.

"it was fine up until Gerard went crazy"

"what?" I asked. "What do you mean your brother went crazy?"

Mikey went over and shut his door. "I don't want my parents to hear. They'd be pissed at me if they found out what actually happened all they know is that I called them after seeing gerard change and saw him looking like a fucking skeleton"

"okay so what really happened?" I asked trying not to sound nosey.

"Ok so we were in the room with these two girls and I was in the middle of getting my girl off when Gerard's girl screamed and took my girl with her and left. I went to ask gerard what happened and he didn't want to tell me and I got pissed." Mikey said

"like I was getting him laid and he ruined it. He had a fucking girl in his lap giving him a handjob and he like shoved her and pissed her off."

"Wait your brother was getting a handjob?" I asked keeping my voice as calm as I could. "I thought he was gay?"

"He is but a hands a hand and-"

"hold up I'm running to the bathroom real quick kay?" I said and bolted down the hall towards the bathroom when I saw gerard exiting it.

He hugged me but I shoved him off. I couldn't even speak I was so hurt and my throat felt like it was swelled shut as I tried to hold back my tears.

"Frankie-"

I cut him off by shaking my head telling him to stop talking. I pushed past him into the bathroom and locked the door as I let the tears out.

He'd lied to me and possibly cheated on me twice at the shoots, which he also lied about, but I think the worst was that one of the times he'd cheated was with a girl.

He'd done the exact same thing to me as Bert did to him.  
He lied and cheated with a girl.  
I couldn't handle it.


	24. Chapter 24

Gerard's pov

I was going crazy. My mom was watching me like a hawk. My dad was making me go everywhere with him when my mom had to go out and it was boring, and mikey...  
well he's just making my mood about ten times worse

it's also been a month since I've talked to frank. He's rarely over anymore and Mikey's now been going to his house instead.

I've tried texting and calling frank but he won't answer. I've even tried slipping hints to mikey to try and get him to tell me why he won't come over anymore but Mikey's either oblivious or ignoring me.

"gerard lunch" mikey called from the kitchen. It was Saturday so mikey was home sadly until he went out tonight, if he did.

I walked into the kitchen and frowned at my plate. "I can't eat all of that." I said looking at my mom.

"Gerard you're still gaining weight. sit down and eat."

"But mom-"

"sit!" She said harshly.

My moms been taking everything the hardest this past month. I mean if I was forty years old and had to watch my eighteen year old child all day everyday I'd probably become irritable too.

My dad isn't that bad since he just does what my mom tells him to do regarding me and mikey hasn't been affected at all really except that I'm always home when he wants friends over but doesn't want me.

I sat down and began eating feeling my gut clench on the first bite. I ate half of the sandwich on my plate before I stopped. "I can't eat any more." I said because it was true. If I took another bite I'd puke.

"You only ate half." No shit really I didn't know that. thanks mikey for your words of wisdom.

"Gerard." My mom said harshly.  
"you need to-"

"eat! Yes I fucking know!  
That's all you've said to me the past month! I've been eating! I've even kept track of how much weight Ive gained since the last time I weighed myself before the beach and I've gained weight! What more do you want form me?!" I screamed making both mikey and mom jump.

"Gee calm down-"

"don't you dare fucking tell me to calm down mikey." I spat in his face.

"I have been dealing with you relentlessly tourtouring me for my whole life and I'm sick of it.  
Don't you ever get sick of seeing me hurting or cutting myself because you know damn well the beach was not the first place you saw my arms or thighs.  
I'm sick of it! I'm sick of you using me to take whatever anger you have pent up and letting it out on me instead of whatever's bothering you.  
I mean there has to be something pissing you off or else you would be such an ignorant little cunt all the-"

"GERARD!" My mom screeched.

"what are you going to defend him?!" I asked

"you will not. ever. use that, that word towards anyone ever again."

"Jesus's Christ mom! Ask mikey how many times he's called me that or called me a faggot or worse? Let's see I have enough names that he's calls me on a daily basis to make a list!  
Homo fuckface fucktard shithead asshole cocksuker whore waste of space gay fairy princess prostitute cockslut, cunt-"

"stop it!" My mom screamed slamming her fists on the counter. "You will not talk like that to your brother in his own house or anywhere else!"

"What brother? Mikey? Oh you've got it all wrong, We. Are. Not. Brothers."

"Gerard Arthur Way that is your brother and-"

"stop defending him! And as far as I'm concerned he isn't my brother. He stopped being my brother when I was fifteen."

"I don't want to hear any more out of your mouth." she said through clenched teeth.

"I don't give a shit! I'm done trying to make you happy and eat and not slice my skin open.  
I'm tired of being shuned for being gay by mikey, and I'm tired of not being trusted! I'm done I can't take it anymore!" I yelled at her and ran down to my room locking my door and grabbing a duffle bag.

I filled it with clothes and then went back upstairs. I threw the bag over my shoulder and walked into my parents room shoving past mikey who tried to stop me.

I went to their dressers and dug through them until I found my phone and charger they'd taken.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?" My mom asked.

I walked back out to the living area and towards the front door holding my phone against my ear ignoring her. I didn't care about who I was calling at that moment I just wanted to leave and I needed someone older with a car willing to drive me far away.

"Hello? If I'm not mistaken my caller Id said gee." the voice stated sounding unsure

"yea it wasn't a mistake. It's me and I need you to come pick me up ASAP at my house."

"What brings this on? Finally giving me a second chance?" The voice asked hopefully.

"By my count you're on like your fifth chance. Just hurry I need to leave."

"Okay I'm on my way be there in five." The voice said and then hung up.


	25. Chapter 25

gerads pov

As soon as i saw the familiar car pull up i walked out of my house ignoring my mother still trying to get me to answer her as to where i was going. I had done every fucking thing she wanted me to since she found out about my problems except maybe not eating all the food she wanted me to, then the one time i open my mouth and tell her how offended i feel she goes and defends mikey instead. It's total bull shit

i opened the car door and climbed inside, i looked back at the house and saw mikey standing on the front porch trying to see who was in the car. My mom was no where to be seen now she must've given up and gone back inside when i refused to answer.

one thing i saw though was all the color drain from mikey's face when he saw who was driving the car.

"so babe long time no see, did ya miss me?"

"dont flatter yourself. you're just the only person i could think of that would be willing to drive me away from my house, and that had a car to do so in the first place." i said adjusting my duffle bag between my legs on the floor.

"oh come on i'm sure there was someone, anyone, else who could've given you a lift, so just tell me why you asked me"

"Bert seriously you're just the first person i thought of okay? there is no other reason except that so can you please just drop it?" i asked becoming irritated

bert rolled his eyes muttering a 'yea, yea whatever' before letting the car fall into silence for a little while.

after about ten minutes while we were sitting at a red light bert spoke up again. "i've just been driving towards my apartment out of habit and i like just realized i have no idea where you want to go..so like where do you want me to take you?"

i hadn't even noticed where we had been driving because my mind had been clouded the whole time with multiple thoughts like is mikey going to tell mom that what i said about him was actually true, was he going to tell her who had picked me up, was i ever going to get a chance to talk to frank?

"uh no your apartments fine." i said and he just nodded.

"you look really hot right now y'know" bert said glancing at me when he stopped at a stop sign.

"i feel like shit and I'm really not in the mood to be flirting okay bert. plus I'm taken and i really love him and i miss him so you could please not?"

"you're dating someone?" i nodded

"who?'' he asked and i debated wether i should give him a name or not.

"uh his names frank but thats all you're getting out of me. Im going to try and call him now actually so if you could try to be quiet." i said as i pulled out my phone which i hadn't seen all month.

it rang five times before someone picked up. "hello?" the voice asked, the voice that definitely wasn't franks. it took me a moment to process the voice before i asked "Ray?"

"this is ray...whos this?"

"listen is frank there? just tell him it's gee." i said hurriedly

"gee? what type of name is that is it-"

"ray please get frank" i interrupted.

"oh about that I'm sorry but frank hasn't left his room in like three weeks except to eat and shit and I'm just playing on his phone while babysitting his ass. he's not going to talk to you no matter how important."

"oh...okay thanks i guess..but could you still tell him i called maybe?" i asked

"yea sure thing see ya." ray said

"see ya." i answered before hanging up and letting the thoughts sink in.

Frank was upset and i couldn't help but feel it was my fault from not contacting him, but he even stopped coming over, so if he really wanted to see me he could've done so simply by just coming over to hang out with mikey.

but maybe...maybe thats why he won't leave his room, because he's avoiding me.

"bert we're taking a detour head to the liquor store first instead of the apartment, i need to get shit faced"

he just nodded "sounds good to me."


	26. Chapter 26

"this isn't as fun as i thought it would be." bert said from the spot next to me on the couch,my head was spinning slightly but i wasn't totally drunk yet.

"and what exactly were you expecting I'm self loathing."

"i figured you'd come home and down like five beers instantly not just drink them as you stare at the wall." bert said sounding agitated.

"ya well i don't know what else to do okay?" i said taking another swig from my bottle

"i know something we could do" he said suggestively.

"fuck off were not having sex." i told him

"but why not I'm sure it'll help you get over whatever is going on with your little boyfriend."

"no it won't." i said flatly

"how do you know." he snapped back.

"because it didn't work the last time." i said sighing and grabbing the new bottle of beer from the case.

"wait so what I'm hearing is that sex didn't help you get over me.." bert said quietly "does that mean you sill have feelings for me?" he asked

"ya hate." i slurred becoming slightly more disoriented about my surroundings as the new bottle of alcohol kicked in.

"well maybe if that didn't work it means you were meant to be with me?"

"you treated me like shit then dumped me the day after i gave you my virginity all for some fucking bet!"

bert looked taken aback out my out lash "wait you know it was a bet? gerard how'd you even- i swear i didn't want to do it."

"bull shit! i was stuffed in a fucking locker on the shittiest day of my life because you'd taken my virginity and ran, then you cracked my heart even more by talking to your friends about how even though it was bet the sex was still good. You lead me on for two fucking years and for what!?" i yelled "to fuck up my mind even more?!"

i wanted to cry at that point. "bert you of all people knew i was depressed when we first met in my freshman year. How could you a fucking junior at the time be so cruel to do that to me? build me up then break me down when i opened up to you and came out for you which cost me my own fucking brother." i asked.

"you knew i had started self harming after you cheated on the first time with your little girl whore and you just came bak to torture me even more and pretended like you love me for what some sick entertaining game?"

"gerard i came back because i made mistake with that girl, and because i love you." he said sadly

"bull shit. bull fucking shit."

"im not lying. i loved you..i still love you and that bet was the stupidest thing i ever did. i kept trying to come back because i wanted to not because of anything else. gerard i cared then and i care now."

it took me a minute to process everything in my drunken state but by then i just didn't care.  
"screw it." i said before connecting his lips with mine.


	27. Chapter 27

i woke up with my arms around bert, cuddling into his side. "hey." he said kissing my lips.

"hey" i yawned. i looked at bert and he just stared at me with gentle eyes.

"did you mean what you said last night?" he looked at me for a few moments before nodding.

"gerard i still love you, i seriously do and i think you're beautiful."

"ya im so beautiful with fat slut carved into my thigh." i said sarcastically

"i saw that last night....along with all the others...Gerard i seriously didnt mean to ever hurt you that much, i didn't want to hurt you at all. I was stupid and, I'm sorry. really fucking sorry and i don't know how to make it up to you."

"well last night was a good start." i smiled. i enjoyed sex with bert last night but it also may have been because I've only had my hand for the past month.

i stood up and bert grunted when i did so "what are you doing?"

"I'm just checking my phone." i grabbed my pants off the floor and reached into the pocket for my phone.

i had a few messages from mikey which was weird, and none from frank. shocker.

from mikey: Gerard tell me thats not who i think it was driving that car you got into.

from mikey: Gee seriously

from mikey: Mom said she's sorry and she wants you home

From mikey: i know I'm never kind to you and I'm sorry about that fight but dude you can't go to bert at a time like this he's bad news

from mikey: fucking douche answer me!

i locked my phone and threw it on the floor. "whats wrong?" i heard bert ask as his hands wrapped around my middle and he kissed my neck.

"my brother wants me to come home."

"oh."

"but I'm not." then i rolled to face him and connected our lips.

after a serious make out session bert looked at me "round two?"

i nodded

 

I decided after lunch with bert that i probably should go home but more for my mom than anything. i didn't need her calling the cops after me. that would just end bad.

I borrowed some clean clothes from bert but left all my other items at his places since i was planning on heading back later that night.

i went to open my front door only to find it locked. i could hear video games coming from the living room though so i knew at least mikey was home.

i knocked on the door and heard the game pause then mikey say something to someone else, then the door opened and mikey was standing in front me.

"you asshole you had us worried sick" he yelled at me but i wasn't paying attention, i was to busy staring at my so called boyfriend who avoided me for a month that was sitting on my couch.

"moms out right now and you're lucky because she would've kicked your ass if she saw you right now. c'mon we need to talk." he said grabbing my arm and dragging me down to the basement where my room is. "frank you come to."

frank just stared at me and i couldn't tell what he was thinking and i didn't know how much he knew. mikey on the other hand i knew was pissed. as soon as we were in the basement he locked the door and threw me onto my bed. he stood in front of me and started screaming.

"what the fuck is wrong with you?! blowing up on mom like that for no reason then storming out and then giving me a heart attack when i saw who was picking you up. Gerard tell me right now hats not who i think it was."

i glanced between mikey and frank, frank looked confused so I'm guessing mikey hang told him anything. Mikey caught me looking at him and spoke up. "franks my best friend whatever you have to say to me he can hear,so spit it. is that who i think it was?"

"that depends on who you think it was" i whispered.

"fine ill be more specific. Was that Bert fucking McCracken i saw you get in the car with?!" as soon as berts name came out franks face dropped, he looked like he'd been shot.

i nodded. "yeah it was bert." then i felt a sharp sting on the side of my face. Mikey had slapped me.

"what the fuck gerard after everything that kid did to you?"

"why do you suddenly care?" i screamed. "its not your business!"

"it is my business if he's going to make you kill yourself! i want to know what you two were doing right now and he so much as touched you in a harmful way or said something hurtful I'm calling the cops"

"mikey you're the one who used to tease me about dating him all the time now what does matter if i was with him or not it never bothered you before."

"okay but its bothering me now gerard, i had never seen all your elf harm until the beginning of this month and i had no idea how bad it was so tell me what you two were doing." he said harshly

"no!"

"yes!"

"no you don't need to know!"

'but i want to know so tell me you cunt!"

"you're the fucking cunt mikey and if you're that desperate to know then fine. We fucked. thats what we were doing!" i screamed before it hit me that frank was in the room.


	28. Chapter 28

I looked over at Frank and he was crying.

“frank-“

“Don’t fucking talk to him Gerard, he’s not your friend and he doesn't give a shit. But what the actual fuck were you thinking when you slept with bert?!” Mikey yelled at me.

“i wasn't thinking! I messed up Mikey.” I admitted

“I know that dip shit, but to go as low as fucking Bert? and what for, just so he could hurt you more?”

i felt like my insides were collapsing on me, as the shouts directed at me kept coming.

“mikey can we please not do this in public?” i asked looking at frank who was staring at me with dead eyes

“frank can hear this, or is there more you're not telling me?”mikey asked me

I stared at him and i could feel franks eyes staring into me as i focused on mikey.

“gerard what are you hiding that is worse than fucking bert?” he asked me harshly not caring that his best friend was in the room with him.

“mikey seriously can we do this in private or y’know not at all since you never gave a shit before?” i asked sneaking a glance at frank, but mikey must’ve seen it because he then  
sat back and looked between me and frank.”what are you hiding from frank and why are you hiding it?” he asked suspiciously.

“we’re not hiding anything mikey.” frank answered which surprised me since he'd been silent the whole time during the argument.  
“but your brother seems to be hiding a lot.”

“frank i didnt-“

“what are you talking about?” mikey asked frank.

“nothing. just stating that your brothers a heartless liar, and that im leaving.” he said standing up and heading towards the stairs to exit my room.

“frank wait-“

“don't you fucking tell me to wait gerard!” he yelled harshly  
“i’ve been fucking waiting this whole time. Waiting to come out, waiting to stop being your little pleasure, waiting for you to come home after a fight, waiting for you to come apologize after you've hurt me multiple times, waiting to not be your dirty little secret!”

“frank you aren’t my dirty little secret. What are you talking about?”

“Bull shit! you wouldn't even let me tell your own brother whose my best friend!”

“he wouldn't accept-“

“i don’t fucking care gerard! Even if he hated me after i would’ve felt better that he knew, and you knew that! I told you I wanted to tell him!”

“dude your gay?!”

‘yes mikey i’m gay and i don’t give a shit whether you accept it or not but im done being your brothers toy.”

“gerard you fucking played frank?!” mikey asked sounding extremely pissed off.

“I didn’t play him mikey, i love him.”

“you cheated on him with your ex, tell me thats not playing someone.”

“mikey you don’t understand, i was confused and wasn’t thinking right with bert because frank was ignoring me as soon as mom and dad found out about all m problems.”

“i was waiting for you apologize you bastard. you cheated on me with a fucking girl first off and now that im back here to give you a chance i hear you went and fucked another person. do you know how much pain i’m in?” frank yelled his voice cracking because he crying.

“i’m going to put the fact that you to are/were dating behind me and say this, gerard i cant believe you went that low to play someone.”

“i wasn't trying to play him mikey hear me out please.” i begged

“your playing him like bert played you.”

“he wasn’t playing me, and not like this.” i whispered.

“what did you just say?” frank asked. “gerard you told me what he did to you. He played you and now you're taking it out on me”

“he told me he was sorry frank and im sorry i messed up okay.”

“yeah he’s sorry. what else did he tell you that was a load of shit? anything?” frank asked his voice wavering.

“he told me he loved me.”


	29. Chapter 29

”he- he told you he loved you?” frank asked staring straight into my eyes. I nodded.  
“what…what did you say back?”  
i remained silent. i hadn’t told bert i loved him, just that i forgave him, or at least was working on it.  
“m-mikey.” frank stuttered. “can you please leave and give us a moment?”  
mikey looked at frank and in his overwhelmed state from all the new information he left the room without question. he had just found out his brother was fucking his best friend, I'm surprised he hadn't copped my head off yet.  
frank sat down next to me but didn’t look at me. “did yo tell hm you loved him?”  
“frank i love you.” i told him desperately wanting him to forgive me.  
“you slept with two people.”  
“but-“  
“you don’t do that to someone you love.” he whispered.  
before i could argue my phone rang. looked at the caller id and bit my lip.”its him isn’t it. go ahead answer gee i’d love to hear what your new boyfriend has to say to you.’  
“frank”  
“no seriously gerard answer it, put it on speaker too.”  
i glanced between frank and my phone before answering and hitting the speaker button.  
“gee?’  
“ya hey bert.”  
“when do you want me to come pick you up, i’m lonely without you.”  
“bert i don’t know if i’m coming back tonight.” ii said and the lin was silent for a while.  
‘how come? something wrong?”  
“ya i uh have some explaining and stuff to do.” i felt frank glance at me then.  
“to who? everyone at your house deserves how you reacted. It was called for after they- wait a sec are you with frank?”  
i looked at frank who stared back at me. i didn't know what to say vut frank ended upo speaking for me.  
“ya he’s with me.”  
“gerard whats going on you told me you were done with him.”  
“bert i never fucking said that.” i argued.  
“ya well isn't having sex with me basically saying your done with him.”  
“bert i was drunk i made a mistake. i told you i loved frank-“  
“ya you also told me how he ignored you for a month. you said you were self loathing and hurt because of him. he was the reason you texted me to come get you because you wanted to get shit faced. all. because. of him.”  
That was it i hung up my phone and threw it. I looked at frank with watery eyes. i could barely even see him, but this was last hope.  
“frank tell me you’ll forgive me and believe me that I still love you.’ i asked.  
“gerard..i-i don’t know..”  
“you..you don’t believe me?”  
“im sorry gerard i can’t believe you after everything. there’s just too many lies you’ve told me. i cant.” he repeats.  
i leaned my head into my hands and began shaking. “gerard?” i heard frank asked worriedly.  
“just go.. please. you made your decision now leave, i won't bother you again, you don’t have to worry about any more lies.”  
“but your sh-“  
“yes i’m fucking shaking i know. The one person i love doesn't love me, and i’ve fucked up so much that i cant fix it. thats why i’m shaking. now please frank just leave me alone and tell mikey he come down to yell at me or ignore me or whatever.” i trailed off because it was getting to hard to speak.  
Frank looked at me and kissed my forehead before leaving my room, and then my whole forcefield came down. i just broke. something as fragile as a kiss was able to totally kill me inside. i felt like i was dying but i didn't want to try and stay alive anymore.  
I heard mikey come down the stairs and felt his presence in front of me. i looked up and he was glaring at me.  
“go for it.” i said staring him down.  
his fist came in contact with the side of my face and i collapsed back onto my bed. he climbed on top of me and began screaming at for thing like dating frank, fucking over his friend, being a faggot, that i didn't deserve frank and it was my fault he was gone, not anyone else’s.  
i just let him continue screaming at me, not fighting at all. I wanted to feel the pain and let just how much i truly messed up sink in. I couldn’t tel you how long the screaming went on but it eventually ended with mikey saying this.  
“i fucking hate you.”  
all i could think was, i know i hate me too.  
mikey left my room and walked to the top of my stairs, i followed him and waited for him to be down the hallway, then i locked the door to the basement and slowly began bringing heavy items up the stairs to barricade it.  
once my door and the stairway were blocked by my desk, a chair and the futon i sat down on my bed. i thought for awhile until i finally gained the courage to do what i needed to do.  
i didn't leave any notes for anyone simply because i didn't care enough to. i didn't want to waste anymore time being on this earth writing letters to people who don’t care when i could be somewhere else.  
somewhere new.

i climbed out of the tiny window from my bedroom to the yard and began walking, looking at every car along the way.  
i finally found what i was looking for after twenty minutes. a car, just a plain blue car...but this car had keys in it. it also a decent amount of gas in the tank. i opened the car door and the alarm sounded but i shut it off quickly with the keys that had been left inside.  
I turned the car on and began driving.  
i drove until there was almost no gas left in the car. i found an empty parking lot for a building that had been shut down a while ago just outside of downtown.  
Taking one last breath i placed my foot on the pedal and floored the car into the concrete wall ahead of me.


	30. Chapter 30

2 months later.  
i didn't get my death wish and i didn't get some fairy tale cliche story as to why i’m still alive.  
the impact didn't kill me. i was alive and felt all the pain, felt my bones cracking my body bleeding.  
it was torture. i sat stuck in the wrecked car until the fire trucks and ambulances arrived to save my pathetic life. I've been living at a rehab center for physical therapy since i messed so much of my body up in the wreck. i’ve also kept where i am a secret.  
due to my age it was patient confidentiality that i could choose whether to involve my parents or not. i chose against it because i knew that even when id finished therapy and could move enough that id try to kill myself again. the problem now was that since i had just completed my therapy i couldn't live in the rehab center anymore. i had to go somewhere else.  
my two options? home or bert.  
I know my parents are worried as to where i am but I'm not sure that seeing them then trying to kill myself again would be the smartest idea.  
i decided against berts house too and decided to go to the studios again. not to work. my body was far too bruised for photos but i knew james would be there and that i could probably sleep at the studios if james wouldn’t let me stay with him.  
i walked in and through the main doors but worked my way back to where all the not so legal shoots are done.  
“gee fuckin way! kid where’ve you been?” james asked me then noticed my limp.  
“and what the fuck happened to you?”  
“listen i need to ask a favor…”  
“what kind of favor?” james asked eyeing me suspiciously  
“i need a place to stay, i fucked up at home.”  
“whoa whoa whoa, wait at home? they didn't find about your shoots did they?”  
“uhm no why-“  
“thank god you gave me a heart attack for a second i mean if they find out i get arrested for child pornography.” he said messing with the camera in his hands.  
“ya at least you can delete stuff or run, my fucking face is attached to all those pictures.” i grumbled  
“you're complaining right now?” james asked glaring a me. “i gave you a fucking job you accepted after you lost your boyfriend and needed money. tell me your complaining and give me one good reason why.”  
“you gave me job that lead me down the worst path possible.” i said quietly  
“you could just say its photoshopped.” he argued “it not that big of a deal.”  
“im in a fucking porno because of you!” i yelled.  
“hey watch it. i tried to help you out by giving a job now you’re asking for a place to stay after yelling at me?”  
“listen i’m sorry, but i really need a place to stay.”  
“how long?” he asked as he started to walk around the room and set up for another shoot.  
“i’m not sure it may be a while.” i told him truthfully. i wasn’t sure i’d ever go home and it may take me a while to plan out a suicide with no flaws that will definitely kill me this time.  
“i can’t just let you stay there for free, sorry but you cost money to take care of.”  
“i know i’m going to try and get a job soon but i swear ill pay you rent somehow.”  
“i know a way could do that.” he said slyly  
“how?” i asken biting my lip  
“let me shoot you at my house.”  
“excuse me?”  
“let me do shoots of you at my house. the pictures will look better in an actual house and i can set up my pictures and sell them instead of waiting for a company to contact me.”  
“thats how you want me to pay rent?” i asked  
“i won’t make you pay for anything as long as you stay if you let me do the private shoots.” he offered.  
“i-i don’t know..i promised someone i wouldn’t model anymore.”  
“then why don’t you go stay with them?” he asked rudely.  
“i can’t” i told him truthfully  
“then its either you find someone to take you in or we could start our own little business.” he smirked. “so what do you say?”  
i nodded. “okay deal”  
_____________________________________________________  
“how much longer dammit.” i groaned. my back was really starting to hurt from the position i was tied in. everything was multiplied in pain because of the toll the accident had put on my body and i felt like crying the pain was so unbearable.  
“just five more seconds let me get a few more shots from this angle, then we can switch positions.”  
“how many photos are we taking?” i asked james so far we’d been doing shoots at his house all morning.  
he had a nice house and a lot of everything. food, games, books, music etc. he also had a lot of sex toys ad rope.  
the shoots so far weren’t anything out of the ordinary for me but i was uncomfortable because i hadn’t wanted to go back to this way of life.  
“your bruises really add character t the picture.” james said as the camera continued clicking.  
“ya they also really fuckin hurt so can we switch my position?” i almost begged  
james nodded and untied me. i stretched myself out before he grabbed some toys and laid them in front of me. “whats next?” i asked frowning not that he noticed.  
____________________________________________________  
i was itting in the studio watching james take pictures of other men fucking each other. james said he did’t want to leave me alone at his house because he didn’t want me fucking with his stuff so he dragged me to the studio when he had a shoot to do.  
i’d only been living with him a week but a lot has happened. james started my own website where people can order prints of pictures of me, or they can request certain toys or positions for me to be in.  
its under the name Part Poison because i told him no real names needed to be on the internet with my pictures ever. he didn't really care as long as he was making money (which he was) so he let me pick the name.  
i was bored and disgusted watching the two men fuck because it made me sad to think that thats what i once looked like doing the shoots. I probably looked like the cheapest whore in the world.  
I walked around not paying attention to anyone. I recognized a few of the models just from normal shoots for clothing adds. I continued to walk until i heard two voices call my name.  
“gerard!”  
“gee!”  
i turned to see my brother and frank towards me why the hell are they- jamia.  
frank must’ve come with jamia and brought mikey with him.  
I started walking away as fast as i could.  
“gerard stop!” i heard frank yell.  
i continued running in towards the back of the studios back towards where james’s shoots are. I wasn’t ready to face them. i didn't want to see anyone yet. i ran into james studio and tried to hold the door shut but they pushed stronger than me.  
They ran in and frank covered his mouth while mikey just stood there taking in the scene before him. Two men no older than twenty fucking each other while james was behind the camera taking pictures.  
“you promised you’d stop!” frank screamed at me.  
“its been over two months of not knowing where you are and when i finally find you again- you you’re here? doing this!” he screamed  
“what do you mean he said he’d stop.” mikey asked looking extremely confused.  
“i’m not frank i swear im just staying-“  
“where the fuck even were you?! do you know how worried id been that you died? your whole family is being torn apart and you're here!?”  
“shut up!” i screamed and the whole room stopped what they were doing. James stopped taking pictures, the two men put on robes, and everyone looked at me.  
“you don’t know shit! you broke my fucking heart, and you” i yelled at mikey “you beat me after he left right after shattering my whole heart.”  
“your last words to me were ‘i fucking hate you’ and after two months of physical therapy and pain i really don’t want to see either of you.”  
“physical therapy?” mikey asked “why were you-“  
“frank you know how you said you were worried i was dead well i wish i was! look at me im fucking bruised and i’m walking with a limp. im lucky im not paralyzed so next time ill get it right.” i spat.  
“what-what are you talking about?” frank asked  
“im talking about me, about my failed suicide attempt. i drove a fucking stolen car into a concrete wall and it didn’t kill me. thats what im talking about.”  
both of them looked at me with horrified eyes but frank spoke first.  
“gerard im so sorry, if i could go back and change what i s-“  
“ya well it’s too late for sorry now.”


	31. Chapter 31

i had been confused for the past two days on what to do. I'm doing shoots for james and getting compliments and making money off of perverted men, but i was torn between crawling back to my family or staying as far away as possible.  
“we have a requested one.” james said to me.  
“okay so what am i supposed to be doing for this lucky customer?” i asked sarcastically.  
“treat the customers with respect they love you man. now here do this.”  
********  
franks pov  
“frank this can’t be real.”  
“mikey i’m not lying okay, why would i lie about this?” i said  
“i just- gerards been doing this for how long?” he asked shaking his head  
“uhm probably a few years..” i answered truthfully.  
“im the shittiest brother ever, like i knew he was gay and i wasn't accepting but i wouldn’t have said anything if i knew he was fucking random dudes in pictures because he was far gone he just didn't care anymore.”  
“ya no offense but you were a horrible brother to him at the worst times possible.” i told mikey and he frowned biting back tears  
“but why would he be doing this now if he told you he’d stop?” mikey said gesturing to the computer screen with bright bold letters that said party poison and had a picture of gerard with hands covering his private area then a link that says ‘click to see more or order your own’ in a bright rainbow font  
“i don’t know, i don’t want to believe its real either but there’s only one way to find out.”  
“we are not ordering custom photos of my brother naked frank,’  
“how else do expect to know if its real?”  
mikey groaned but after thinking it through he looked at me. “fine but don’t make the picture to….y’know..of stuff i don’t want to see.”  
“trust me i’m not the happiest person with your brother either but like wouldn’t it be suspicious to ask for a picture from a porn site with a clothed model?”  
“ya but this is just a site dedicated to gee…so idk”  
“don’t say idk just give me an answer in full words.”  
“ya it would look suspicious but what should we order?” he asked  
“what if we do something that’d let him know its us?” i suggested.  
“like what?” he asked  
i tried to think about something,anything to let gee know we had found his site and then it hit me.  
——————————————  
gerards pov  
“well were using props for this one.” james smiled at me.  
“what kind of props” i asked tiredly. lack of sleep was getting to me, because id be up every night debating what to do.  
“were going to have you wrap a measuring tape around your stomach and pull it tight while looking at the camera.”  
“who the fuck ordered that? it isn't even sexy and im not thin.”  
“gee are you fusing blind, anyone can see your thin like extremely. its hot though in my opinion being able to see your bones when you move around.”  
“who ordered this?” i asked again hoping to get an actually answer for the reason behind the weird shoot.  
“i don’t know i only get the money information and what they want so lets get this over with, i have to be at the studios in like an hour.  
i shut up and took the pictures then tagged along with james to his afternoon shoots.  
i kept my head down the whole way through the building hoping frank would not be there but of course it wasn’t frank who stopped me, it was mikey.  
“leave me alone.” i spat.  
“no we need an opinion on jamias shoot hold the measuring tape like this or the other way?”  
i stared at him before looking over to jamia who was standing on a platform in a beautiful black dress with a measuring tape wrapped around her waist, and frank staring me down behind her.  
i ran over to frank and grabbed his arm before dragging them both into an empty studio on another floor. once i was sure no one could hear us i let loose.  
“you told mikey?!”  
“what else was i supposed to do? tell me gee!”  
“you didn't have to do anything mikey never had to know there is not one reason to tell him, and then go stalk me on the internet!”  
“gerard i wear frank didn’t-“  
“shut the fuck up mikey!” i yelled pointing a finger at him. “you don’t get to make any comments on what ive been doing since you didn't give a shit my whole life then recently decided you wanted to be apart of it again. i was so worried about you finding out and telling everyone you know because thats how you acted before and if thats what your gonna do then do it. tell everyone your brothers a cheap fuck”  
mikey looked at me with watery eyes. “gee i didn't know.”  
“of course you didn't know! you barrel had time for anything except calling me a faggot and teasing me about bert.” i said whispering the last part.  
“you havent gone back to him again have you?” frank asked me.  
“so what if i have?” i snapped at him  
“gerard calm down.” mikey said  
“you also don’t get a say in this mikes, franks the one who shatters my heart and told me he didn't love me anymore because im a worthless piece of shit.”  
“i did not ever say that gerard.” he fought.  
“really? because thats what i remember.” i said starting to cry. “thats all i remember anyone ever telling me. that im worthless, they all say it, whats different about you that would make you think otherwise?” i asked frank.  
“mikey give a moment to us alone please.”  
Mikey glanced between us and walked out of the room, as soon as he was gone frank engulfed me in a bone crushing hug which i wasn’t expecting.  
“i dont think you're worthless because i still love you gerard.”  
“what?”  
“i fucking love you and i just couldn't take the heart break of you cheating on me anymore, for christ sake you went to your ex who beat you instead of apologizing to me. all i wanted a simple sorry, or just an i love you.”  
i looked at frank and had no words.  
“please just tell me you'll sorry and we can back to how it was” he begged  
i just stared at him.  
“gerard please. please please please.” he begged after my silence “i miss you.”  
“frank you shouldn’t forgive me. i fucked up way to much and im doing shoots for james again i can’t just quit…and that was low to order a picture from me about eating and my size.”  
“i just wanted you to know it was us and that we cared.”  
“stop caring about me. it just makes it harder to leave.” i told him.  
“gerard i don’t want you to leave. on my life i don’t want you to go, i want to be with you as long as you promise not to hurt me like that again.”  
Frank stared at me waiting for an answer. “i never slept with that girl.”  
“what?”  
“the one from vacation i never slept with her, i didn’t want to cheat on you and shoved her off me, but mikey re told the story differently”  
“are you telling the truth?”  
“i swear on my life that im being honest. oh and i havent been back to bert’s at all.”  
“did, did you really sleep with him?” he asked  
“sadly i did, but the first time was because i was drinking and upset you’d left me. i did it almost as a way to make you jealous and come back, but then i realized you weren’t and-“  
“shh just stop. i don’t want to hear about bert, but know one thing. I’m back.”


	32. Chapter 32

“you- you’re forgiving me?”  
frank nodded and kissed my lips. “i can’t stay mad at you forever. No matter how hard i try i just want you to be the one one holding me and loving me.” he smiled “but i do still want an honest apology.”  
i nodded. “you deserve one.”  
“im sorry. for everything. For cutting myself when i could’ve went to you for starving myself and scaring you, for doing the shoots after i promised i would stop, for sleeping with bert, for just even talking to bert and doing what mikey told me while we were on vacation and almost cheating on you with that girl. i’m sorry for being a shitty boyfriend and thinking more about myself than you, im sorry for ignoring you and im sorry for not giving you the attention that you deserve.” i finished and looked at frank. he was smiling at me.  
“apology accepted.”  
************  
“so how did mikey react when he found out about me and the modeling?”  
“i think he had some sort of revelation, he felt bad and said he wouldn’t have done anything if he knew.”  
“really?”  
“ya i mean he was hurt that you resorted to that but i told him how shitty he was for it already so” frank said biting his lip.  
“so what?” i asked him.  
“are you going to have james take the site down?”  
“frankie i know you want me to but it’s his site, i have no control as to what goes up there and have no way of taking it down without confronting him.” i said as we laid together on my bed.  
my mom was shocked to see me home but when she tried to talk to me i blatantly told her i was still angry and walked downstairs after moving all the shit i originally barricaded my door with.  
“can i ask you a question?” frank asked quietly  
I nodded at him. “what were you thinking when you drove that car into the wall?”  
“frank-“  
“no i want to know.”  
I sighed “i was just thinking about how i let my life turn to shit, how i let my body be abused, how mikey had yelled at me moments before, how you didn’t love me anymore.”  
frank placed his lips on mine. “im sorry. i still loved you then i was just hurt. I can’t believe i almost you.”  
“i can’t believe i failed and didn’t die.”  
“don’t say that.” frank whispered, cuddling closer to me.  
“frank it fucked me up look at my body i broke so much and it’ll take a life time to heal”  
“but ill be with you that whole lifetime.”


	33. Chapter 33

I leaned in and kissed him. “I can’t believe I almost lost you,” I told hIm

“Lost me?” he asked, “Gerard, I almost lost you to some car because you thought I didn’t love you. I should’ve never put that idea in your head. I was upset and angry and just wanted an apology.”

“Yeah, but you deserved the apology,” I told him.

“But you deserved to live and be happy," He said sadly. “I took you for granted and even when you were really sick and your parents found out and then kept you home, I ditched you. I should’ve been there wIth you, helping you, and making you eat.” he mumbles.

“Hey, don’t feel bad about It.” I whisper.

“How can I not feel bad?” He asks, starting to cry and wiping his face on the pillow his head was on.

“Because I'm not mad.”

"You should be.” he pouted.

“I missed you too much to be mad, and so what If I have a few bruises-“

“A few? Gerard I caused you you drive that car into a concrete wall. You have way more Injuries than just a few bruIses. Almost you're whole bodies fucked up-“

“Not all my bodies fucked up." I smirked at him, hoping he’d get the hint. He begins to laugh, while wiping away his tears.

"You're so stupid." He smiles. I smile at his happiness and I lay down next to him.

"Am I?" I question, raising an eyebrow.

"Defintley..." He murmurs and we kiss. I smile, which causes Frank to smile. As the moments go by, the kiss gradually gets more passionate and heated. Moments later, I find myself pressing Frank into the mattress, as I am now on top of him.

G-Gee..." He moans, and tilts his head back, and I move to his neck. I lick up his throat, and then I begin to suck at his collarbone. I move up, back to his lips after leaving a deep red mark on his collarbone.

Franks shaky hands tangle themselves in my hair, and he pulls, causing a moan to escape my lips. I trail my hands down Frankie's side and I rip his shirt off. He gasps suddenly but then he takes my shirt off right after. He drags his fingernails down my chest and I press my hips down into his.

"Ahhhh....." He groans, and I continue to do that. I kiss him and savor the taste of him.

I suddenly feel Franks small hands attempt to tug down my pants but I finish the job for him. I quickly take a hold of his pants an drags them down his perfect legs, throwing them to the side. I crawl back on top of his and look him in the eyes.

He's so beautiful and perfect in every way. I can believe he is mine again. I love him so God damn much.

"Frankie," I whisper, as I brush my lips against his.

"Hmm?" He hums, and his eyelashes flutter.

"I love you," I breathe, and I can feel him smile.

"I love you too, Gerard," he replies, sending a smile I paper to my own face. I continue to kiss him, just loving the time I have with Frankie. A few moments pass, which involves hair pulling, tongue twisting, and small talk, and then I hear Frank's voice.

"Gerard..." He breathes.

"Yes?"

"Let's get that last body part fucked up," he says, and I freeze, but just a second later, I find myself kiss him furiously, grabbing his face, and keeping him close. I feel my dick stir in my pants, which causes shiver to run up and down my spine.

One of my hands edge down his body, until I reach his boxers. I slip my fingers behind the waistband, and I pull them down, without a second thought. He gasps at the sudden cold air, and I swallow it.

I quickly tug my boxers down my legs but I can't get them more than mid-thigh.

"Frankie," I literally sing, and break our kiss.

"Y-yeah?" He breathes.

"I can't get my boxers down, can you help me?" I raise an eyebrow seductivly, before Frank nods virgiously. I sit up in my knees, and Frank wiggles out from underneath me. He gets on his hands and knees and grabs my boxers with his teeth, bringing them down, until I get a completely rock hard cock.

I stand up, and throw the boxers to the side, and I push Frank onto the bed, laying down and I straddle his thighs.

"Let's fuck me up." I smirk, and I go down on Frankie's chest, and I immedatetly begin to suck on his nipple. He let's out a groan, and arches his back, tangling his fingers in my hair. After I finishing this nipple, it's red, and I do the same to the ther one, earning the same reaction from Frank.

But, I can tell we both want more.

I slowly edge my way to hips lips, before planting a big, sloppy, uncoordinated kiss in his lips before I get off of him and flip him over.

"Gee!" He exclaims, obviously not knowing what will happen next. I climb back on him and grab his ass. I pull it up, so his ass is nice and high up. My dick is so hard, it's almost painful, and my mouth waters at Frank's quivering hole in front of me.

I bring my face so his entrance, and let my tongue graze around it, teasing him tremendously.

"Gerard! Th-that's not fair!" He complains and he doesn't even have time for another breath, before I'm flipping him over and pushing his legs to his chest.

I edge my finger to Frank's mouth and once they reach it, his mouth automatically opens, and he begins to harshly suck my fingers, obviously desperate for this to speed up. He begins to hum around my fingers, an I pull them out quickly, or else I'll be coming right then and there. I trail them down his body, and once I get to his entrance, I plunge the three in at the same time.

"Gerard!" He gasps, and covers his mouth with his hand. I wiggle them a bit, trying to pleasure him and after a couple of moments, he is moaning and rocking against my fingers.

I pull them out, and spit on my hand. I slick my dick up with my own saliva and I line myself up with Frank.

"Gerard?" He asks.

"Yes?" I respond, wondering what else he could want at a time like this.

"Lie down," he smirks, and I raise my eyebrow, but comply anyway and I lie die next to him. He rolls over and straddles my hip, and rolls his hips once, and, Holy Shit that feels good.

He giggles and sits up a bit. He looks at my cock, while he lines himself up. He takes a deep, long, sexy breath, and lowers himself down on me, letting my cock fill his hole.

I moan, due to the absolute tightens that Frank some how manages to keep. His gasps fil the air, but to me, it is like music to my ears.

"Mmm, Frankie, you feels so nice," I moan, and he slowly begins to move his hips.

He props his hands on my chest for leverage, and he begins to bounce.

I hear the bed creaking with our actions, and I try to hold back my thrust, but I can't help it. I grab Frank's hips, and flip us over, so he is lying on his back and I am hovering over him.

"Frankie..." I growl before thrusting hard and fast, making him a moaning mess underneath me.

He's tight. Really right, whih makes this even better, and he's hot. Oh God! I can't even help how much I love him.

"Uhh, mmm," he moans, an he tugs on my hair. "Oh, oh- OH GOD GERARD!" He screams and I smile, knowing I found his prostate. I thrust even harder, my hips rolling down and then slamming up into him.

He begins to gasp, and his hands roam my back, desperate for something to cling onto. His nails scratch down my back, leaving marks- I'm proud to hold them.

"H-harder...." He mumbles, and I comply, pushpin in with force, making sure to still hit his prostate, dead on. He smiles, and I watch as his eye lids get heavy, and he is rolling his hips with my own, attempting to meet my thrusts. His head falls back in pleasure, and lick up the middle of his neck.

"Mmph, Gee!" He groans, long and loud. I begin to leave several little love marks, all over his neck, and I feel his legs warp around me, which causes his dick to rub against my stomach, smearing his pre cum on me. I take a quick break from leaving the hickeys, and I look down at his red, hard, leaking cock. I smile and continue to make Frank's sexy breathing get heavier with every second.

A few moments pass, and Frank's hair is sticking to his forehead as he bangs it up and down, slowly. He suddenly grabs the back if my neck and brings me down for a kiss. I don't have a second to react before I feel his wet, warm tongue curling around mine, and he begins to suck on it.

"Mmm..." He hums, sending the vibrations from his mouth, to my tongue and I kiss him deeper, making it as passionate as it can get.

Frank's tight walls begin to clench around me, but thy release my cock and then do it again. Every time he does that, I feel like I am goin to cum, but Frankie needs to cum with me.

I brings my hand to his chest, an rub it down his body until I get to his dick. With a swift movement, my long fingers are wrapped around him, and I begin to pump, fast and sloppy. His pre cum makes it easier, and acts as a lubricant. I bite his lip, and with one final squeeze of his cock, and an extremely tight clench of his walls, we both are screamin into each other mouths, while sticky ropes of cum shoot out our tips.

I pant and I pull out of him and collapse on his stomach, which his lathered in his cum. For minutes, we just lay with each other, listening to one another breath, and the stroking of our hands going up and down each other's bodies.

I roll off of him, and I bring up the covers, not even wiping the cum off of each other, before Frank snuggles up to me, burying his face in my chest, and wrapping his arms around my neck.

My own fringers trace little circles around his lower back, causing him to scoot his lower half even closer to me. I close my eyes and kiss his head, never wanting to leave his side.

"Gerard?" I hear Frank's gentle voice ask.

"Yeah?" I reply.

"Please... Never leave me."

I smile before I hug him tighter, and reply.

"Don't worry, I don't plan on it." and that time, i meant it.


End file.
